We seem to live in a world full of shame if you have a different view on something.  I know people are always pushing the ‘it’s wrong to make someone feel bad for liking something you don’t like’ perspective.  And I wholeheartedly agree that it’s wrong to talk down to someone or yell at someone for liking something you don’t like or vice versa.

Here’s my problem.  I don’t hear anyone saying it’s okay to dislike something.  I no longer see people having healthy debates.  It’s all, I’m right and you’re wrong.  Or prove me wrong, jerk!  Or I am going to prove you wrong, jerk!  None of that is healthy.

We need to go back to a time when it was okay to say you don’t like something.  When it was okay to say to the other person, ‘tell me why you feel this way’.  See, by choosing to say those words, whether they like a thing or dislike a thing, you are are saying, ‘I want to get to know you better.’  We all have different likes and dislike based on our own individual experiences.  None of us have lived the exact same life.

So in conclusion, I would love to hear your likes and dislikes on different subjects.  Debate with respect, is an enlightening, beautiful thing.  Pull up a chair, talk with me, let me get to know you.  I’m not interested in changing your mind.  I’m interested in exploring it.

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For any of you who know me, you know I will be fifty in March.  So you may think I am talking about the menopausal change often referred to as ‘the change’.  You would be wrong.  That particular change is the least of my concerns right now.

My stomach and back problems started a decade or two ago.  I have had four endoscopies in my life, trying to find the problem.  I have also had x-rays, MRIs, CT scans, ultrasounds, bloodwork and been poked and prodded for years. I have changed diets like one would change socks, trying to identify the foods that hurt me.  The only thing I knew for sure was that stress made it much worse.  I spent years in therapy, trying to figure out why I generally chose stressful situations in my life, be it stressful relationships or stressful employment or stressful hobbies.  Always gravitating toward the stress.  I am finally on the right road to move away from most of the stresses that are presented to me.  Some are inevitable, and I am doing my best to learn how to control my reactions.  From what I understand, controlling myself is more than half the battle.

Before proper therapy, where I agreed to become a case study for the state, it had gotten so bad, that I attempted suicide to make the mental stress and stomach pain stop.  It was at that point that the state took an interest in me and gave me the help I had so desperately needed.  It helped a lot but not enough.  Wellness seems to be filling in the mental cracks for me and I am grateful.  I will never be perfect and always have the right reactions.  I wish I could do that.  It would fix a lot of the issues I have, when it comes to stress.

This year I had had enough and asked my primary doctor to send me to an allergist so I could find out what foods I am actually allergic to.  I would find out that I am only mildly gluten and lactose intolerant.  I asked why do tomatoes, oranges, lemons etc make it so I can’t breathe?  They didn’t know.  So I asked if it was all in my head.  They said no, that the symptoms are real.  They can see it upon examination.  My throat was swollen on the inside.  So they did an environmental panel on my back.  The doc said, oh there’s the problem.  You are allergic to the world.  We started allergy shots.  A shot in each arm three times a week for six months.  But I was still having trouble swallowing (it was like I would forget how to swallow and choke on food or water), I would wake up in the middle of the night gasping for air, my back still hurt, my stomach still hurt and I had the worst of coughs.  My weight was continuing to rise, as well.  My allergist diagnosed me with asthma and put me on three different inhalers, two of which are daily.  It helped some, but not enough.  He then put me on prescription nexium ($450 a month, thank God we have insurance so I only pay $10).  I even tried prednisone!  Nothing fixed me.  After 6 months he decided to send me to a GI.  They did a colonoscopy and endoscopy and that’s when things began to change.  The GI gave me meds for stomach pain and nausea.  They help so much.

All of that being said, I was told that losing weight would help with my diagnosis of scoliosis and back pain.  It would also help with acid reflux.  But I could never get the weight down due to the stress.  Or rather, due to my REACTIONS to stress.  I am still working on that.  It is so difficult to change reactions when it is what you have done your whole life.  But I am determined to overcome my own road blocks.

The last year ended in all kinds of diagnosis.  Asthma, scoliosis, hiatal hernia, diverticulitis, benign adrenal adenoma, spot on my lung from inflammation due to a persistent cough, removal of polyps from my colon, removal of a hyperplastic polyp from my stomach and finally Barrett’s oesophagus.  That last one is having the biggest impact.  That one means precancerous.  Riding the line.  Get it under control or cancer is on its way.

I have eliminated all the things that help it progress like, coffee, alcohol, acidic fruits and veggies, meat and dairy.  I am down 8 pounds since the diagnosis on December 21st, 2018.

So this year is the year of ‘the change’ for me.  It is the year that change my lifestyle.  I will stick to this new way of… eating to live and not living to eat.  It’s a matter of keeping cancer at bay.  The weight loss goes right along with that.  Lower weight means less pressure on my insides causing more acid reflux.  This is the year of continued reactionary growth.  It is even more important that I get a grip on my reactions, no matter how stressful the situation.  If it’s too much to handle I need to leave the situation.  If it is people refusing to respect the severity of the situation and continue to overstep my healthy boundaries, I need to remove them from my life.

Thankfully for me, the majority of the people in my life are a loving, positive presence.  They are tremendously appreciated.  The others either need to be seen in small doses or removed altogether.  I would say that it is on them, but really it’s all my decision.  It’s my responsibility to control my reactions, as well as decide who is and isn’t in my life.

I am taking control of me.  I will always get back up when I get knocked down.  And I will welcome the help of those who love me.  I am blessed with the best support system anyone could ask for.

Okay 2019, let’s do this.  Self control, healthy reactions, gratitude, forgiveness and love.  This is the year of ‘the change’.

Nothing’s always perfect,

Nothing’s always right,

But know that I am in this,

For us, I’ll always fight.

 

When the words just won’t form,

And frustration takes its toll,

When I see you struggle,

Patience is my goal.

 

That doesn’t always happen,

I don’t always do right.

Just know that I am in this,

For us, I’ll always fight.

 

On days that one is battling

The demons they cannot hide,

The other finds the strength,

To fight them by their side.

 

When the storms roll in,

And the waves attack our boat,

We have to work together,

So we can stay afloat.

 

The waters begin to calm

And the sun begins to shine.

Peace always returns

Every single time.

 

Nothing’s always perfect,

Nothing’s always right,

We know that we are in this.

For us, we’ll always fight.

 

 

 

I want to start this post by saying, you may or may not agree with me.  Either way is fine.  What I write is simply my opinion.  And as life alters and my path changes, oftentimes my opinions change, as well.  But for today, THIS is my opinion on this subject.

Many times in my life I have been afraid.  Afraid of being alone, afraid of being attacked in a parking lot at night, afraid of being homeless, afraid of starving, afraid of saying something stupid, afraid of public speaking, afraid to drive, afraid of passing out in public due to a panic attack, afraid of the dark, afraid of failing in any endeavor, afraid I wasn’t smart enough to write a novel, afraid I wasn’t smart enough to learn how to do a new job.

Every one of those fears pushed me in the right direction.  Every one of those fears created strengths.  I overcame every one of those fears.

The thing is, I had to choose to overcome them.  I didn’t choose to overcome them immediately.  They all took time.  Time to embrace the fear, let out the tears, and find my footing.  Fear will lead you in the right direction if you let it.

Think about all the things you have overcome in your life.  Think about all the things you wanted to do but you were afraid to do…but you did them anyway.  That first day of school, first day of work, first dance, first kiss, first I love you, first joke you told in front of people, first time at bat, first time on a ski slope, first book you wrote, first picture you painted or drew, and the first time you actually showed your talents to another person.  You were afraid, but you did it anyway and found out, it wasn’t so bad.  Or maybe it was even fun!  Or maybe you found out you didn’t really care for it.  Either way, you did it.  You overcame your fears and allowed yourself to experience something new.

Fear isn’t always a bad thing.  It CAN be a bad thing.  But most of the time, I believe you can use it to your advantage.  You can turn that fear into a strength.  Learn to control your fears, don’t let them control you.

Thank you for reading.  X

I Want To Be The One

Posted: June 1, 2017 in Uncategorized

 

hands

I want you to love me because you know I am good for you.  Because I choose to learn your love language and speak it to you.  Because you have searched the world looking looking for the one.  You have found many you thought might be the one, but they weren’t.  Then you found me and knew with all your heart that I was indeed the one.

I want to be the one who surprised you.  The one who changed your jaded views on relationships and marriage just by loving you.  The one who didn’t pressure you or manipulate you into seeing beauty in commitment.  All I had to do was love you.  I never want to get under your skin or frustrate you.  Quite the opposite.  I want to be the one who can calm your chaotic mind and ease your anxieties.  The one who can softly touch your hand and unlock a flow of gentle articulation about how you feel in any given situation.  I want to be the one who can steady you when the ground is shaking beneath you. I want to be the one who helps you feel secure and in control of your reactions.  I want to be the one you are drawn to, like a ship to a lighthouse in a storm.  I want to be the one who makes you laugh so hard your belly aches.  I want to be the one you love with your soul.  I want to be the one who compliments your life and brings it balance.  I want to be the yin to your yang, the happy to your sad, the hope to your despair and the consistency to your change.  I want to be the one you are holding hands with, when you are old and tired.

I want to be the one who curls up in your arms at the end of the day and brings you peace for a calm night of sleep.

This is the one that I want to be.

Thank you for reading.  Have a great week.  X

the-winds

There are some big changes in my life right now.  I am anxious to see what happens. Anxious and excited.

Here is what is happening in my world.  About a month ago we realized we were going to need to move.  The landlord has not done any of the important things that needed to be done to the house they rent (they took me in until I can get on my feet).  There was hail damage April 2016 and as of today, the tarp they put on it is still coming off in small pieces.  It was never actually repaired.  The foundation has a crack through half of it and there are monthly notices on the door from the bank saying the landlord isn’t making his monthly payments.  Therefore, it will be foreclosed on at some point.  Our lease is up and so we are moving this weekend.

A month or so ago, I posted a Facebook status about how I wasn’t getting enough hours at my part time cashier job and was really worried about finances.  I got many pieces of valuable advice and a few job offers.  One in particular appealed to me.  One of my dearest friends has been doing it for three years.  And I would be working from home. As a writer, that is ideal.  I refuse to get my drivers license again, it lapsed back in 2014.  I had moved back to Texas and thought I had 30 after my birthday to get it renewed.  I went in a week after my birthday.  They said that only applies to people with a Texas drivers license.  I had one from Delaware, so I would have to take the written and driving tests all over again.  I decided that I would just walk to work, it was close enough. My kids began to drive me since the main road I had to cross was like a game of Frogger. Sometimes I would take Uber or Lyft, but that costs one hour of my pay to cover the ride. But, working from home means my kids save time and gas and I don’t have to Uber or Lyft unless I am meeting up with friends(something I haven’t been able to afford to do, but will with the new job).  It just seemed so perfect.

So I bought the special equipment I would need, off Amazon.  I gave my two weeks notice at work.  Paid to have a landline installed in the new house, in my room.  Now I just have to apply for the job.

It occurred to me the other day, that this was much like my favorite go-to movie for when I want to run away from life.  Under the Tuscan Sun.  There is a part of the movie where she is concerned that she made a mistake.  She impulsively bought a huge house that needed serious work.  She only had a certain amount of money left to her name and was putting it into this house.  She was talking to a guy and said she thought she made a mistake.  He asked her why she bought it then.  She said, she wanted a wedding in that house, a family in that house and to cook for lots of people in that house, but it was just her.  He said, “Signora, between Austria and Italy, there is a section of the Alps called the Semmering. It is an impossibly steep, very high part of the mountains. They built a train track over these Alps to connect Vienna and Venice. They built these tracks even before there was a train in existence that could make the trip. They built it because they knew some day, the train would come.”  I loved his explanation of having faith for the things she was preparing for, in her future.

I see this as along those same lines.  I quit my job, bought the equipment, got the landline installed in my room, even arranged my room so I will have an office area with my desk, chair, new equipment and all.  I am planning for a job I haven’t even applied for yet. That is on the to do list for Tuesday.  I am at a point where I can see this as falling off a cliff and fearing the crash or I can see this an opportunity to fly.

I am a bit anxious that there could be a crash, but incredibly excited about my wings.  I knew I would never fly if I didn’t take that leap.  So I jumped.  Now watch me fly.  Faith is the wind beneath my wings.

Thank you for reading.  X

his world

I posted a meme recently that seemed to ruffle some feathers.   It is interesting how one person can see something as beautiful and yet another sees it as sad.  There is nothing wrong with different perspectives.  Everyone is entitled to their own.  And depending on life experiences, age and time frames, the perspectives can vary to a large degree.

I am attaching the meme I speak of.  When I posted it, I didn’t add a message as to my point of view.  I honestly didn’t think it was necessary.  That was rather presumptuous of me and wrong.  I am not sure of the other opinions involved.  It seems that some think of the meme as sad.  Perhaps they view it as a man offering a woman everything and her saying no thank, because she already has everything that he offers.  I’m not really sure.

But when I read this meme, it spoke to my heart.  It was one of the most beautiful things I had seen in a while.  To me, it was a man offering a woman his world.  He was offering her everything he had.  She lovingly let him know he didn’t need to do that.  She already had those things, plus some things that were different than his world.  She took a weight off his shoulders and let him know she doesn’t mind visiting his world, but she needed to live in her own.  That also meant she didn’t expect him to live in her world, but just to visit it and continue living in his own.

A partnership.  A mutual respect.  And no enormous expectations.

I have always enmeshed myself into the world of whatever man offered me his own.  I would adapt and learn to fit into whatever world that might be.  In the end, I would lose myself and become sad.  And more often than not, the one who offered me his world would suddenly feel I owed him for what he gave me.  He would see it as a lack of respect if I complained of missing my own.  It would become leverage in heated situations.

Nothing good came from that for me.  There ended up being resentment, frustration, sadness, loneliness, anger and strife just to mention a few.

So when I saw this meme, I saw a situation where it was acceptable for her to say that she had her own world.  I saw a mutual respect and a situation where he could sigh a breath of relief.  He offered her everything he had, but saw that he didn’t need to do that.  All he needed to do was to be himself.  Be willing to visit her world from time to time and enjoy her presence in his world from time to time.  They could be together in a new place that they created.  Something different than his world and her world.  Something they built as a team, as a couple, and as friends.

I love this meme.  I love what it says to me.  I see a beautiful future one day, very different than any past I have known.

Feel free to leave a message and tell what the meme says to you.  There are no wrong answers.  Only varying perspectives and all will be respected.

Thank you for reading.  X