Archive for the ‘determination’ Category

Oh, where to begin.  Starting over is never easy.  The last time I started over it was exciting.  I had a plan.  Well, sort of had a plan.  More like, I had a man.  I have always had a man there to take care of me in some way.  I lived on my own when I was a teenager.  I moved in with my best friend three weeks after graduating high school.  She and I had been besties for 6 years.  It was exciting and new, but within a year I had struck out on my own.  I lived in a small condo that was on the border of foreclosure.  I rented from a nice man and his wife for a year.  I didn’t make much money and nearly starved to death.  My average weight is 125.  I met a nice man at work.  He was 15 years my senior.  My weight was down to 104 pounds.  He fed me and I married him.  I knew from the start that we married for the wrong reasons.  I moved into his home, when to his church, learned to like many of the things that he liked.  I conformed to his way of life.  By the end of the relationship I found myself going from being a sheltered housewife to a bounty hunter, then a makeup artist at a department store.  Two children and nearly twenty years later we divorced.  I ended up in another long term relationship.  I moved from Texas to Delaware to be with him.  I ended up on welfare until the state offered me a career opportunity.  I did the schooling and became a Certified Nurses Assistant.  I worked in home health and took care of mostly elderly patients.  Many of them over 90.  After a few years they would pass on and I would be devastated.  I stayed in that relationship for 5 years.  He was a quadriplegic.  That was why I chose to become a CNA.  I conformed to his way of life.  It ended and I wanted to move to Maine.  My dream was to live in a little house by a lighthouse and write.  Maybe work as a barmaid.  But my kids were grown and renting a house in Texas.  My daughter and her husband, my son and his then fiance’ (now wife). They had an extra bedroom and asked me to live with them while I got on my feet.  So I did.  Maine could wait for a while.  I missed my kids.  It was the most amazing year, living with the four of them.  I got to know my son in law and daughter in law.  I love them.  In fact, she is one of my closest friends now. We talk about everything.   Within a month of moving in with them and anxious to heal and figure out who I was and what I wanted, I fell right into my next relationship.  I wasn’t ready for a relationship but I didn’t know that at the time.

We would do the long distance thing for a year and then I moved to California to be with him.  I moved into his apartment, learned the ropes of travel, learned the art of public speaking.  I conformed to his way of life.  Are you seeing a pattern here?  This relationship ended, too.  I am still broken over this one.  I am still in love with him and he is still in love with me, but we both know we did the right thing.  Personal reasons that I will not go into.

So here I am.  But this time, my mind is different.  I was in cognitive behavior therapy for the last year.  The state of California offered to help me after my suicide attempt.  They offered me free therapy if I was willing to become a case study.  I agreed.  It made a huge difference in me.  I am starting the workbook over.  The last time I worked through it, I did it all from the perspective of one trying to save a relationship.  Now I am doing it from the correct perspective.  I am doing it so I can heal.  So I can be stronger, more in touch with that little voice that tells me when something is wrong.  I can look back on my life and see that in almost every heartbreaking or devastating situation I found myself in, I heard that little voice first.  I would argue with it and try to reason away my concerns.  I don’t do that anymore.  I listen now.  I seek out that little voice now through prayer.  This is not a get out of jail free card for the ones who have chosen to hurt me.  It is simply me taking responsibility for my own poor decisions.

I admit, I am scared.  I haven’t been ‘on my own’ since I was nineteen years old.  And really, this is the first time I have been 100% single since I was a teen.  Not someone hurting over a recently ended relationship and falling into new one immediately.  I am not open to being taken advantage of due to my vulnerability.  I am vulnerable, my emotions are raw, my mind still goes in and out of feeling independent to feeling like a scared little mouse in a the middle of a herd of elephants and looking for a safe place.  Then I remember, I have one of the strongest support systems one could ask for.  I have a hundred arms ready to give me a much needed hug.  I am at a place in my life that I have never experienced before.  And I am eternally grateful for the friendships that have stayed intact since my last break up.  He introduced me to a world of people that welcome the hurting, the lonely and the scared.  They not only welcome you, but once they take you in, they never let you go.  I have blessings that have remained from all the difficult situations that I have somehow put myself in.  Something good has always come from any of the bad in my life.  And I am so very grateful.

So here I am.  I have gone from a life of luxury and travel to one of very low pay, lots of hard work cashiering and time to focus on me and heal.  I paid all my bills this month and had money for food.  My son and his wife have taken me in until I can get on my feet.  I wake up to people who love me and encourage me every single day.  I get hugs and I love you’s.  I have a place to work, with people I consider friends.  I feel loved every where I go. I have an online community who supports me.  And most of all, I have me.  I am learning to love me and believe in me.  I am taking it one day at a time.  Some days I fail, some days I cry and some days I smile.  And other days, like today, I do it all.

Thank you for taking the time to read.  I love you all.  x

The excitement this week has been sporadic.  The kids are busy with school and work, so they are in and out quite a bit.  And now we add Christmas into the mix, so busy, busy, busy.  Emotions running high and low this time of year.  I have gotten to have some wonderful conversations with each of them.  I heard about school projects (even asking my input.  That always feels good), about upcoming dance recitals (she is a trooper, even with all the pain, she still opted for a dance class), incredible new book ideas (the new one the son in law has cooked up will be a best seller one day), input on books in the works (the sons fiance is a very talented writer in her own right).  The kids are amazing adults and I am so honored to be living here with them.  Okay, so for excitement this week…

First, I decided to walk to the library this week and put in an application for volunteering, in hopes of a job later.  So I walked the 1.5 miles there.  It was an interesting walk.  I saw horses in pastures, beautiful homes with lovely holiday decorations, and a truck passed by with a trailer on the back.  There was a horse in it that whinnied and me as it sped by.  At the library, none of the people I needed to speak with were in that day.  So, I opted to go look at books on the Cromwellian Conquest of Ireland.  I needed some more information for my book.  It turns out, those books are hard to find and had none of the information I needed.  So, I headed back home.  On the way home, I suddenly remembered I have fibromyalgia.  It doesn’t flare up very often, so I tend to forget I even have it.  But it sure flared up on the way home.  The only way I can describe the pain I felt that day would be, someone placing flathead screwdrivers in between the ball of my hip and the socket and trying to pry them apart.  I just kept placing one foot in front of the other until I made it home.  I would later accompany my daughter to the store and make dinner while the girls got all the decorations out of the attic.  They spent hours making our home beautifully festive.  We even have snowman placemats on the table with snowman bowls and a wreath and snowman napkin holder with festive napkins inside.  They even took the pot holders, hanging on the front of the oven off and replaced them with Christmas ones.  I do find it disturbing though that Santa’s face is the cover for the lid of the toilet.  Something all kinds of wrong with accidentally sitting if the lid is down.  Seriously,  sitting on Santa’s face…I suppose that would be one way to get something nice for Christmas…well or naughty… When I left the kitchen and headed to bed, I had to make my way through the kids as they sang that song from The Grinch Who Stole Christmas…Fah who for-aze! Dah who dor-aze!  My son in laws head on my son’s shoulder, and the girls holding hands and dancing as they sang.

One morning, I got up and my son’s fiance was in her living room with her laptop.  I sat down and visited with her for a while.  Then, my daughter came home from dance class and walked into the living room clad in her yoga pants and tshirt and announced to my son’s fiance…

“It’s your favorite time of day!”

Fiance shook her head and put her hand over her eyes.

I didn’t know what was going on but I was watching.  You just never know with this group.

Then my daughter says, “It’s striptease time.”

She starts dancing like a stripper and takes off her yoga pants and tosses em, then her tshirt and tosses it.

Fiance says in a very sarcastic voice, “Oh, yay.  It’s a 12 year old boy.”

Daughter starts doing “sexy” poses and says, “You can see my tats through my tights.  I love that!  I’m so sexy!”

Fiance says, “Yes, we all know you think you’re sexy.”

Daughter says, “THINK?!  I KNOW I’m sexy!”

The fiance and I just laughed and shook our heads.

Another day, I walked down the hall to get some water in the kitchen.  The girls were talking about sex shops.  The fiance’s sister is getting married and the bachelorette party is this weekend, so I assume that is where this conversation started.  But again, there are no boundaries or comfort zones in this house and I actually like it this way.  They were talking about how uncomfortable some of the workers in sex shops can make you feel.  My daughter was explaining how one worker came up to her and showed her a cock ring and said, “It goes on your lovers cock and it vibrates.”  Then she changed her tone as if the memories of use were flooding her mind and in a lower, way too pleasurable tone she said, “I love this thing.  It feels soooooooo goooooooood.”  Both of the girls laughed so hard after my daughter finished telling the story and showing us how the lady spoke.  Then the fiance was talking about the sex swing she saw in there and how the video was playing to show how to use it and she was a bit uncomfortable.  I think it is interesting how there are no comfort zones in the house, but out in public, we are more reserved and definitely have our personal space.  They also talked about seeing naked pics of Kate Moss.  They said they were very tasteful and the ‘important’ areas were covered.  They talked about how beautiful she is and how women’s bodies are so much prettier than men’s, especially in photography (my daughter is a photographer) and in art (the fiance, son in law draw.  I do, too).  But they said they got to the last pic and as they scrolled down, they were like, she is so pretty, but then, much to their surprise, there she was…no more tasteful hiding.  And they both shrieked….WHAT?!  About that time, my son walked through the room and asked what on earth they were doing and looked at the screen on their laptop.  They yelled, “Don’t look!”  and tried to cover the screen.  He just shook his head and laughed at them.  Goofy girls.

Then later I was in my room and the boys wandered in.  First, my son in law was talking to me.  After a while, they were talking to each other and that conversation was so different than anything the girls talk about.  I cannot even tell you what they were discussing but I did jot down some keywords to share on here.  They are crazy intelligent young men and the words are as follows:  fiber optics, satellites, japan, speed of light, gb and mb.  time frames, and streaming.  After a while they noticed I was typing, so I explained it was for the blog.  I think sometimes they aren’t sure what to say when they can see I am baffled by their subject matter.

At the same time, I have walked through one of the living rooms and seen something odd happening.  They each were in their own living room with their own big screen TV’s and playing a game together.  I looked at my son’s TV and saw a man in boxer shorts wearing a pig mask and carrying a gun, running through a city.  I looked at him, like ‘what on earth?’ and he looked at me like…’what?’…  I just laughed and left them to their game.

And sometimes they just shake their heads at me.  My son in law is learning to speak Russian.  He said something to me about a cigarette and motioned for the door.  I said, “Oh, are you going to go do a cigarette?”  He smiled and asked, “How does one ‘DO’ a cigarette?”  I thought for a minute and said, “Smoke it?”  He just laughed and left.  Now when he goes out to smoke he announces that he is going to go ‘do’ a cigarette.  I just laugh.

At the end of the week, we all had big plans.  Thursday was the concert the fiance and son in law were to attend.  She bought him tickets for Christmas, two months ago.  An ice storm hit, though and they were afraid they would miss the show.  They braved the storm and had an incredible experience.  They both got to shake hands with Chester Bennington.  She posted some pictures and they made it home in one piece.  My daughter braved the storm because she wanted to go out to eat and stop by the store for some cookie dough.  She picked up her friend and had a nice time.  My son stayed home and worked on his school project.  It was quite brilliant.  How I produced such a smarty is beyond me.

The storm worsened throughout the night and I awoke to clicking sounds coming from the attic.  I went up to see what it was.  Turns out the round spinny thingy on the roof is covered in ice and it is quite windy today, so it makes for a terrible sound.  School was cancelled, my son stayed home from work, as did his fiance and my daughter.  My son in law works walking distance from the house so he went on in and ended up covering for 2 other guys.  But he should be home by 5:30pm.  I was supposed to have dinner with my best friend tomorrow, but it looks like we may have to reschedule and my daughter’s dance recital is off now.  And it looks like the bachelorette party may not happen for the fiance’s sister.  So, changes of plans, but everyone is safe, happy and close enough for me to hug.

I do apologize for such a long blog, but I guess this week was packed with more excitement than I had realized, until I put it down on paper.  I do believe this is more than enough for one week.

Here is a link to my daughter’s blog.  It is this week, through her eyes.

 http://victoryasite.wordpress.com/2013/12/06/and-so-it-begins/

Thank you for reading and have a great week.  x

Changes are being made in my life right now.  The ones that are too personal, will not be mentioned here.  That still leaves many others to tell.  So my week.  It has been riddled with ups and downs, feelings of loss and despair to hope and laughter.  Let’s start with my trek across the good ole US of A.  I made it to the airport, heart broken, lost and unsure of what lay ahead.  I had never even visited the home where I would soon reside.  But I knew the people in it.  Two of the four I birthed myself.  My daughter, her husband, my son and his fiance’.  I love them all and get along with them all.

At the airport, I needed to just stay focused on the trip itself.  Try not to think of the life I was leaving, nor the one I was headed to.  Just the trip itself.  I had my little dog with me.  He is ten pounds of nothing and sweet as can be.  I got to the airport, worried that his canvas carrier would be too big to allow him on the flight.  But it wasn’t.  I got my tickets…yes tickets…plural.  My dog needed a separate ticket.  In fact, his ticket cost $26.00 more than mine and he didn’t even get his own seat!  So, we got our tickets and headed to security.  Now, I had to take off my shoes, take my dog out of his carrier and put his collar in the bucket to run through x-ray.  Did all that and thought it would be simple to just walk through the metal detector and retrieve my things.  I honestly thought the most challenging part would be putting the dog BACK into the carrier.  We walked through and they said they needed to check my hands for explosives.  As I held my dog, they wiped my hands with a little strip of paper and put it into the machine.  Lights, bells and whistles went off alerting them that I might be a bomber.  I was promptly rushed to another area to be patted down.  They taok my dog and put him back in his carrier and had me stand with my feet spread on some mat.  Another person wiped down my purse and the carrier to check for more explosives and it came back clear.  As they were doing this, my little dog was trying to run away, so he was rolling all over the place in his carrier as he loudly cried.  Yes, my dog runs from danger.  He will never protect me.  I figured his logic is…”hey, someone’s gotta tell the story…”.  So then they taook me to a private room with two people and said to me, “We have to pat you down.  We will run a hand up the crack of your butt and under your breasts and up the insides of your legs.  Please put your arms out of the way.”  So I did and they did.  Then they wiped their gloves with that paper strip and put it in the machine…more bells and whistles.  That was when they had to call in an expert.  He came in and looked me over, checked my things and put the items back through the x-ray.  I was good.  They said it must have been my hair care products or hand sanitizer and sent me on my way.

Well, that was fun.  Luckily, I fully expect things of this nature to happen to me, it is just inevitable.  So I found myself fighting laughter through the whole process.  I fought the little dog back into his carrier and hung the bag containing him over my shoulder.  I figured I would grab a bite to eat and sit down in the terminal and wait the hour and a half to fly out.  I found a stand and walked in and picked up a container of strawberries and blueberries.  Then, I noticed that they had gluten free food!  I am allergic to gluten and much more.  So I put back the fruit.  “No fruit for me this time!” I thought to myself and smiled.  I saw gluten free sandwiches! I was so excited I could barely contain myself, until I saw that they all had tomato on them.  I am allergic to tomato.  I excitedly walked over to the gluten free baked goods.  But then I saw they all had chocolate in them.  I am allergic to chocolate.  But then I saw salads!  sigh With tomato in them.  I picked up my fruit, paid for it and headed to the terminal.  Finally there, I sat down and put my little dog on the ground.  He cried so I put him in my lap.  He cried, so I stood up, tossed him, still in his bag back over my shoulder, and walked the airport looking for Benadryl to help him calm down.  After 45 minutes of searching I read that I could give him Dramamine, so I bought some.  It was finally time to board and he was quiet so long as we were walking.  Once on the flight, I had to put him on the floor under the seat in front of me.  He cried and cried and cried.  Dramamine did not help.  Once in the air, I put him in my lap and he was better, still not great, but better.  I knew it would be a long three and a half hours on that flight with no writing time.  At one point I had to use the restroom.  I headed back with the dog in his bag over my shoulder.  The flight attendant said I had to leave him under the seat.  I said, “Okay but he will scream.”  and I headed back to my seat.  But I guess with the two screaming babies on board and then the dog, too, she had had enough and said, “Take him with you.”  Wow.  I thought those bathrooms were small before, but try using one with your screaming dog in a carrier!  I made it back to my seat and it was time to land, so I had to put the dog back under the seat and we all heard him cry for the last half hour.  I am sure everyone on that flight wanted to hurt me, except the moms of the screaming babies.  They were glad the people were focused on me, I think.

Finally  land and get off the plane.  We were thirty minutes early!  Yay!  I called the kids, who were in route.  They said they were planning me landing later so they would be there in a half hour.  I could feel the bruise on my shoulder and wanted to rest but couldn’t, for the dog would cry.  After a half hour of walking with the dog, I called the kids.  They got lost and it would be another half hour.  I watched all the people leave with their families and I was one of the only three people left by the time the kids made it.  I was so happy to see them.  I got in the car and we headed home, only to realize we were on empty.  We needed gas….right then!  We exited toward a gas station.  It was confusing in the dark.  There was a small street, just before you came to the station.  So we passed it and looked for a place to turn in.  There was none and it was a one way street.  So the kids drove across the grass and over a curb and voila…we made it into the gas station parking lot.  I love how adventurous my kids are.  We got gas and made it home.  And what a lovely home it is.  My room is beautiful and comfortable.  I didn’t sleep well.  Maybe it was all the changes or excitement or the people I missed that were on my mind.

The next day was fun.  My son took off work to spend the day with me.  We got groceries I could eat and watched movies.  The day after that, my daughter took me to get some furniture for my room to make it more comfortable and to have places for all of my things.  My son in law and son’s fiance’ listen to me rattle on about nothingness.  The kids work together like the intricacies of an old clock.  The gears in perfect sync.  It looks like madness and confusion at times, but when you look closely, it all makes perfect sense.  It’s like a ballet even.  The movement and spinning and here and there, but nobody trips, they just flow.  And now I get to be a part of this dance, too.  My coordination lacks, but I know they will catch me if I fall, so it’s all good.

There is always someone to talk with, go places with, eat with, watch movies with…it really is quite beautiful.  I know it won’t last forever, but I love this moment in time and will cherish it.

There is more, much much more, but no need to write a novel just yet.  I will save some for next week.

Thank you for reading and have a great week.  x

P.S.  I am adding a bit to this piece.  My kids just knocked on my door and said to come to the kitchen for my surprise.  They presented me with a welcome home card full of beautiful words that made my eyes water and little gift box.  I opened it and found a house key that they had made for me with pink hearts and pink stones in it.  I truly am home.  ❤

I was just talking with some friends and I said some things about how I am doing right now.  The things I said, seemed appropriate blog material.  So here goes.

My life is a whirlwind right now, highs and lows, ups and downs.  Half the time I don’t know my head from my ass.  I am excited and terrified.  One minute I am smiling and the next…tears stream down my face.

I move half way across the country one week from tomorrow.  As the day get closer, the days move faster and somehow in slow motion.  Like when you fall.  You know you are falling, you feel as if you are moving in slow motion and have no control over the fall itself, not how you land, not the hurt you know will come.  And once you hit the ground, all you can think about is how fast it all happened.  My life is at that point, the point where I am falling.  I am moving in slow motion, I see it all happening to me and yet, I have no control over the hurt I will feel in the end.  In all honesty, I can’t even brace myself for the painful landing, I just have to deal with the fact that it is coming.  It is coming and it will hurt and I will lay there for a bit, catching my breath.  Then I will wipe my tears, brush the dirt off, assess my wounds and dress them.  I will stand up, wobbly at first and take a step, then another and another.  I will walk a little faster, the pain will fade and I will find myself running again.  I know I will do all these things.  But right now, I am falling.  So, please bear with me in the next few weeks and especially right now.  My writings will be on a whim, no set days.  I will be writing when I need the release.  All I ask, is that you send positive thoughts my way.  I need them.  And a parting thought.  I may not know my head from my ass right now, but I sure as hell will…

Thank you.  x

This week has been about moving, getting settled and molding young minds.  I have two moves inside of four weeks.  That in itself is exhausting.  The first of the two moves has been done.  This past week has been about a multitude of feelings, anxieties, and fears.  All of which have been accomplished.  Not sure if that is good or bad or maybe just life.  There is little worse than being blind sided with information you never knew existed, but that has happened as well.  I liken it to the saying, “when life throws you lemons…make lemonade”, but what do you do when life throws a freakin boulder at your face?  I have tossed that one around a bit and come up with a few answers.  One, you can take a sledge hammer and bust it into a thousand bits.  Two, let it take you out and pray for a quick end.  Three, duck…  Who knows what is the correct answer, I suppose it really doesn’t matter.  You see a boulder coming and in the end, you just deal with it.  We all get caught off guard, we all get knocked down.  All that matters is that we all get back up again.  Took a bit, but I got up, dusted off my britches, took a deep breath and am ready to face the next boulder or light fluffy, playful snowball…whatever life has for me…bring it.

The plus to this week was the precious little girls who were fascinated by a children’s book I wrote.  I think the best part of the experience was when one decided she wanted to write  a book, too.  So I got to ask her things like, what is on your mind?  What do you want to write a story about?  Oh, a flower?  Where does it live?  Where will it go?  Oh, dear, what happens next?  It was so wonderful to see the wheels turning in her mind and to encourage her to write.  It made my heart sing to see the excitement in her eyes as her character sprang to life in her imagination!  Only thing better than writing is teaching a child to write.  Showing a child that she can create characters, follow their adventures and put it on paper.  Amid all my own heartache, turmoil and sad surprises, this was the one thing that could make it all okay.  I am so grateful for that experience.  I honestly forgot how good teaching feels.

My goal this week is to write.  Write on my book.  My characters have waited patiently as I have cried my own river, lost sight of my goals in all my hurts and learned to smile again through a child’s excitement in a story she created.  I can do this, I will do this…for as a writer, I really have no choice but to do this.

Until next Friday, I bid you farewell.  x