Archive for the ‘dreams’ Category

his world

I posted a meme recently that seemed to ruffle some feathers.   It is interesting how one person can see something as beautiful and yet another sees it as sad.  There is nothing wrong with different perspectives.  Everyone is entitled to their own.  And depending on life experiences, age and time frames, the perspectives can vary to a large degree.

I am attaching the meme I speak of.  When I posted it, I didn’t add a message as to my point of view.  I honestly didn’t think it was necessary.  That was rather presumptuous of me and wrong.  I am not sure of the other opinions involved.  It seems that some think of the meme as sad.  Perhaps they view it as a man offering a woman everything and her saying no thank, because she already has everything that he offers.  I’m not really sure.

But when I read this meme, it spoke to my heart.  It was one of the most beautiful things I had seen in a while.  To me, it was a man offering a woman his world.  He was offering her everything he had.  She lovingly let him know he didn’t need to do that.  She already had those things, plus some things that were different than his world.  She took a weight off his shoulders and let him know she doesn’t mind visiting his world, but she needed to live in her own.  That also meant she didn’t expect him to live in her world, but just to visit it and continue living in his own.

A partnership.  A mutual respect.  And no enormous expectations.

I have always enmeshed myself into the world of whatever man offered me his own.  I would adapt and learn to fit into whatever world that might be.  In the end, I would lose myself and become sad.  And more often than not, the one who offered me his world would suddenly feel I owed him for what he gave me.  He would see it as a lack of respect if I complained of missing my own.  It would become leverage in heated situations.

Nothing good came from that for me.  There ended up being resentment, frustration, sadness, loneliness, anger and strife just to mention a few.

So when I saw this meme, I saw a situation where it was acceptable for her to say that she had her own world.  I saw a mutual respect and a situation where he could sigh a breath of relief.  He offered her everything he had, but saw that he didn’t need to do that.  All he needed to do was to be himself.  Be willing to visit her world from time to time and enjoy her presence in his world from time to time.  They could be together in a new place that they created.  Something different than his world and her world.  Something they built as a team, as a couple, and as friends.

I love this meme.  I love what it says to me.  I see a beautiful future one day, very different than any past I have known.

Feel free to leave a message and tell what the meme says to you.  There are no wrong answers.  Only varying perspectives and all will be respected.

Thank you for reading.  X

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I have always loved my birthday.  I don’t have any family members that share my special day.  It just meant so much to me that people were excited about the day I entered this world.

But now it is a very different reason.  You see, on December 22nd, 2015, I attempted suicide by swallowing a bunch of pills.  The police came and took me to a psych ward for observation.  After spending a bit of time there, I sought help with a therapist.  And now I no longer have those dark thoughts.  I have hopeful thoughts.  Positive thoughts.  And I am eternally grateful that I failed to end my life when I tried.  Grateful that I am here. Grateful for every single birthday I am blessed with, purely because I love being alive.

It’s why I take pictures of everything that I find fascinating or funny or beautiful and share them on social media.  I want to share my appreciation for life with the world.  I love listening to the train as it passes by in the night.  I love beautiful cloudy days and gorgeous sunny ones.  I love the smell of the rain and the sound it makes outside the window or on my umbrella.  I love the feel of the warm rain on my skin.  I love witty people that laugh at their own jokes even harder than the rest of us.  I love to hear people laugh.  I love the sound of dozens of voices talking when I enter a crowded place, especially places where there are family functions going on.  I love hugs.  I love kindness.  I love the roar of the ocean waves meeting the rocks and sand.  I love sunsets and sunrises. I love that first sip of coffee with my favorite creamer, in the morning.  I love the comfort of my bed at the end of a long day.  I love to dance to music, in the kitchen, when preparing food or doing dishes.  I love the hum of the fan when I fall asleep in the dark.  I love my fuzzy Star Wars pajama pants and oversized Harley Davidson sweatshirt.  I love going barefoot.  I love having hope that things will turn out okay.  I love having faith that God is in control.  I love when I see his signs so clearly leaving no room for doubt.  I love peace.  I love solitude.  I love going to the movies and out for dinner.  I love doing things on my own, feeling independent.  I also love having help from people who never make me feel indebted to them.  I love helping others.  I love doing speaking engagements.  I love impacting others lives in a positive way.  I love the castle ruins in Ireland, the sunsets at Santa Monica beach, the history in Delaware, the skies over Texas and all the people I have been blessed to meet in-between. And I love writing.  Telling the stories I watch in my mind as movies.  I love sharing those stories with others.  The love of my family and friends.  The ones who have been here for me in the darkest of times.  I love cuddles from my little dog.  And more than anything, I love my children.  To realize all the years of their hugs, hearing their laughter, being there for them through tears…that were almost gone. It makes me love life all the more.

I am here.  I am alive.  I have learned to love myself.  I have purpose.  And I am loved.

This is why my birthday is so very important to me.  Yes, every day is important to me, but I wasn’t born every day.  I was born March 15th.  That is my day to celebrate me and the life I have been blessed with.

Thank you for reading.  X

I had so much fun Monday night it was ridiculous.  We will be going out again soon.  One of my sweetest friends in the whole wide world called me Sunday night to see if I was free on Monday.  He has scored some tickets to a Cirque du Soleil type show and wanted to take me.  I said I was available and on Monday I sent him a text and asked him, “What are you wearing tonight?”  He called and asked, “What?”  So I said again, “What are you wearing?”  He said, “Lacey panties…..what are YOU wearing?”  I laughed and he said, “Jeans and a tshirt.”  haha   So it was casual.  He came and got me and we had a wonderful time.  When we left, we walked to his apartment.  He lives in the building I wanted to live in, back before I moved to Delaware.  And I was right…it was perfect for me.  I am so jealous.  He has wall to wall canvases of his artwork.  We discussed each piece.  I would ask question after question.  And I saw this one piece that was SO beautiful.  I just fell in love with it.  And he gave it to me.  I will attach a picture of it.  After we left his place, we walked across the street to his favorite bar, so he could get some matches.  And as you walk through the bar, you see original artwork all over the walls.  It’s a bar for artists!  It was amazing!

So I was carrying my piece of art and we were walking through old downtown and I saw the park and the beautiful Christmas lights.  He asked if I would like to go for a walk through the park and he reached over and wove his fingers between mine.  So we walked hand in hand looking at the beautiful lights.  After that he brought me home and came in.  He took off a shoe and sock and hung a sock on my door to freak out my kids.  I am always telling them that if they see a sock on the door that means stay out because I will have a man in my room.  He knew they would laugh.  We have known each other for six years and as he puts it, I do not have the right equipment for his interests.  My kids know this.  So he laid on my bed and I showed him my own artwork.  We talked about the books we are writing and the people we plan to go out with.  Then he needed to go and he began to undress.  I giggled and said, “oooooo What are we doing now?”  He said, I wanna freak out your kids again.  So half undressed we walked out of my room and my daughter saw us and he said, “Damn, your mom is good.”  And I said, “I almost have him batting for the other team.”  She laughed and laughed and said, “You two are not right.”  So he got dressed and hugged me and kissed me and told me he loves me.  We will be doing this again soon and I can’t wait!

I also had a night with my son’s fiance.  She has been a little stressed since she lost her mom, this past summer.  And her sister is getting married this weekend and his fiance is the maid of honor.  She is also filling in for their mom, doing all the things mom would normally be doing.  So we had a night with just the two of us.  He had hot wings and fries…totally blowing our healthy eating choices and put on Brothers Grimm.  We didn’t really see much of the movie, as we were talking the whole time.  She was so precious.  She wouldn’t let anyone come in the room with us.  My son in law came in and looked at the t.v.  She glared at him and then he looked at her…She said, “It’s my night with Madre.  Go away!”  He slowly eased out of the room.  I giggled.  She seemed a lot less stressed by the end of the evening and that really made me happy.  I just love her so much.

My daughter wanted an Elf on a Shelf, so I got her one.  My son’s fiance detests them and says they are creepy.  So my daughter would place the elf in areas where my son’s fiance would find them and freak out.  My daughter always had the elf holding a sign that said DIE and a knife in his hands.  I would see the elf all over the house and shake my head and smile.  Every time my son’s fiance would find the elf, she would remove the knife and hide him.  Then my daughter would search the house and find him and place him again.  This went on for day and was very entertaining to watch.

Christmas was amazing this year.  I have been away from my children on Christmas morning for the last four years.  I woke up to the sounds of the kids exciting announcing it was Christmas morning, outside my door.  Then they came in and got me.  When I got to the living room, the lights were on the tree, the presents in piles by person, Nat King Cole’s “The Christmas Song” playing on the big screen t.v. and my son had a place picked out, on the other side of him on the couch.  I watched as the kids opened their presents from each other and me.  It was so fun, my son’s fiance was in charge of everything.  She would say when we could open a gift, because she wanted to watch everyones reaction and see what all they got, my son in law teased her about being bossy, my daughter was half asleep and my son was just so happy, he is much like me in these instances.  My heart was so full, I thought it would burst.  I got some wonderful gifts, but I would have been happy with just being there, in that moment.

And the last thing I will be writing about for the week, my date.  I went on a date this week.  Not a friend date, but a real date.  We have known each other since high school.  Neither of us has really changed that much, just older really.  We had a lot to talk about.  He moved to LA a good 8 years ago and has made a name for himself as a voice actor.  So he is familiar with websites, fans, podcasts, marketing and things of that nature.  It was wonderful to pick his brain til two this morning.  We went out to dinner and stayed til they closed, just getting caught up.  Then we decided to go out for coffee.  It was so cold out.  No Starbucks were open after eleven.  So we ended up in a Waffle house.  Interesting thing happened.  It seems I did rip one on our first date…that is…I ripped my one pair of jeans, right up the back.  Luckily, I wore a brown suede vest over my grey top and favorite jeans, with brown boots.  The vest hung mid calf which ended up being a life saver for me.  One of the times we climbed back in the car, my jeans ripped up the back.  My favorite, fifteen year old jeans ripped up the back of my ass.  It was so funny.  We both laughed and laughed and I told him…”See, never a dull moment with me.”  He said, “Your life plays out like a sitcom.”  I said, “You have no idea.”  And we laughed some more.  It was a lovely evening.

And that is it for this week.  As always, it’s been a good one.  I hope you all had a wonderful holiday and have a happy new year.

Until next year.  Thank you for reading and have a great week.  x

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Well, this week I did a bad thing.  A very bad thing.  It was not intentional but that is no excuse.  And as best as I can tell, everything is alright, but I still feel like the worst person to ever walk the face of the earth.

My daughter and I were visiting some very lovely friends.  I really do love these people so much.  So there we were, a room full of pretty much adults and one precious little 6 year old girl who was sitting right next me.  In my excitement to see everyone and the fact that I have not been around a small child around the holidays in probably 10 years or more, I did not have my child mind going.  I was in my adult mindset.  Someone said they wondered when Santa was born.  My daughter looked it up on her phone and said 1773.  In my stupidity, I said, “I know where Santa is buried…Ireland.”  They said, no he’s not.  I said, “Yes he is.”  Then you coulda heard a pin drop.  They all looked at the sweet little girl sitting next to me.  She said, “Santa’s not dead.”  I said, “No, he’s not.  I was just kidding.  What did you ask him for this year?”  She said, “A Furby boom.”  I asked what that was.  She looked at me like I was moron and said, “You don’t now what a Furby boom is?!”  The others explained that it is pretty much what the old Furby’s were.  Then everyone went into the other room to work on the Christmas tree and left me alone with the girl.  I asked her what did Santa bring her last year.  She said, “I don’t remember but my Grandma gave me a cuddle buddy.”  I asked what that was.  Again, she looked at me like I was a moron and held her hand up like she was doing a sock puppet.  She said, “It’s a puppet and a blanket.”  Then she slowed her speech down to make sure I understood.  She said, “A blanket, so you can cuddle,” And she did the hand again and said very slowly, “And a puppet…buddy.  A cuddle buddy.”  Then her eyes looked into mine and she raised an eyebrow waiting to see if I understood.  I said,  ”Ohhh, I get it.  A cuddle buddy.”  She smiled.  Then her eyes lit up and she said, “I remember what Santa got me last year!”  I asked what was that.  She looked at me and thought for a minute and said, “It’s too hard to explain to you.  Nevermind.”  And we retreated to the room with all the other people and the tree.  Before we left, she hugged me goodbye.  I honestly think that in her mind, I am just an idiot.  So it’s all good.  Because, well, I am an idiot.  Or I was that day anyway.  I contacted the family to apologize again and was told it didn’t even phase her.  whew.  I got a repeat lesson in think before you speak.

My daughter had a photoshoot to do, out at the park.  She needed to be in some of the pictures though, so I volunteered to take a few for her.  Mine need some serious work, but it got the done.  I will post one of me and daughter from that day.  It was fun.

And one last thing.  I found out that if you are going to have friends over, you have to warn everyone else in the house in advance.  You don’t want to be sitting there in your pajamas, with cold cream on your face and watching tv when company comes over.  The son in law forgot to warn people and it upset the house.  The fiance ended up in my room, working on her blog.  Later my daughter came back, too.  The girls started working on my son’s Christmas present.  My son kept trying to come in.  The girls would scream at him to leave.  He said he wanted his fiance to come watch a movie with him.  Well, after several attempts to enter or get the fiance to come out, he came back again.  This time he hollered through the door…”Are you coming?”  I yelled back, “No, she’s not screaming yet.”  With that I got a loud groan and MOMMMMMM, from my son.  But it made me laugh and he didn’t come back to bother her again.

Oh yes, and my daughter did a photoshoot with me in my burgundy cape.   After an hours of hair straightening, (I will post a pic), push up bras, being turned, posed, poked and prodded, the pictures didn’t turn out very well.  So I just took one with my phone and decided to try another photoshoot next week out in the woods.  That should be different and maybe the lighting will be better.

There were many other things that happened this week, but those are the highlights.

Thank you for reading and have a great week!  x

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My son’s fiance’s blog:  http://theotherdaughterofshe.wordpress.com/2013/12/20/white-lightening-tantrums-and-crap/

Blogging is new for me.  I have been doing it for a little while and I have watched it morph into this and that until now.  I believe this is what my blog is meant to be.  My daughter and I are trying something new and different.  We are going to each blog about our week from each of our viewpoints.  My viewpoint is that of a parent having to move in with their children and be quite dependent on them for a while.  Her viewpoint will be from an adult child taking in their parent.  I will post a link to her blog at the bottom of mine each week, so you all can go read what the way she sees things, too.  She will start blogging next Friday.

My life has changed dramatically in the last month.  I don’t really want to talk about everything, just some things.  I have given up my independence for a while.  I had moved away from my children five years ago, from Texas to Delaware.  After hardships, misunderstandings, hurtful situations and an aching for my children, I have moved back.  The world I left is very different than the world I have reentered.   I kept in constant contact with my children while I was away, with goodnight/I love you texts each evening and phone calls and plane tickets.  But it was not the same as being able to hug them and see them.  They are now 23 and 21 years old.  My daughter has been married for five years, she got married just before I moved.  My son is now engaged.  I love their choices of mates and get along with them very well.  The mates both write and draw, too.  The four of them rent a three bedroom house together and have blessed me with the third bedroom.  I have been here just over a week.  It felt strange when I first moved in.  I didn’t know where things were and felt a bit disoriented.  But I quickly converted my room into an extension of me.  My dog is already adjusted and has a new friend in my granddogter, Cy.  It rather reminds me of the tv show New Girl.  Especially when it comes to ‘bubbles’.  I am an introvert and have my ‘bubble’ around me.  These kids do not have ‘bubbles’ nor do they see a reason for anyone else to have them.  I went to the bathroom to brush my teeth and started to close the door.  My son walked up and said, “What?  We can’t see you brush your teeth?”  Now my daughter has been known to come into the bathroom and take pictures of me brushing my teeth.  But I wanted to fit in, so I left the door open.  Next thing I knew, my son and son in law were both in the bathroom behind me, talking and cutting up and I almost lost my toothpaste trying not to laugh at them.  That was very much a New Girl moment.  Always something crazy and fun going on here.  We are all artist and impulsive.  I will have to post some pics of the fun things I have experienced already.   I was awake at 1am at one point.  We are all night owls.  I went to the kitchen to get a glass of water and my son in law walks up to me in a top hat and says, “So, in regards to the railroads…”  I laughed and said, “So it’s 1880 and you are looking to build a railroad?”  He smiled.  Then my daughter walks in and says, “I don’t like your stupid beard, mustache or that obnoxious top hat.  Take it off and go shave.”  He said, “Nope…again…”  Then she proceeded to put on an eye patch and said, “Argggggg”.  I said, “Really?  You yell at him about the hat but you can wear an eye patch?”  She said, “Yup.  If he can look stupid, so can I.”  Then he took the eye patch off her and put it on himself.  I said I needed a pic of the pirate who wants to buy a railroad.  My daughter got out her phone to take one and he said, “Wait!”  He ran out of the room and then reemerged with  a weird pipe added to his appearance.  I laughed so hard.  It is like this all the time.  Here is a picture of him.  Another day I went to let the dog out and my son was playing a video game.  I looked at the big screen tv and see a man running through a city with a pig mask, wearing only boxers and carrying a big gun.  I just shook my head.  Another time, my daughter and son’s fiance’ came in my room to do the chicken dance all over my room and then they left.  one night my daughter and son in law were in the kitchen and she was laying on the floor using her labrador as a pillow.  I had to take pic but the dogs eyes glowed in it.  So I tried to take another and the dog tried to run.  My son in law grabbed her before she could go and tried to make her kiss my daughter.  That is the cutest picture.  And I think a couple of my favorite moments were separate but wonderful.  My son’s fiance’ came in and laid on my bed, with the book she is working on.  She asked my advice on a scene.  Her story is moving and forces the reader to take their mind to difficult places.  Another time was when my son in law came in and had me read the first chapter of his short story.  It is phenomenal and I hope he makes it a longer story.  I don’t read sci fi but the story really captured my imagination.

I do believe this is a positive environment for me.  I just hope I can add to the wonderment that abounds so freely here.

Thank you for reading and have a great week.  x

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An 8 Foot Kangaroo In The Backseat

Posted: August 23, 2013 in dreams, writing

I don’t know about other writers, but oftentimes I dream my books.  I come from a family of “seers”.  It isn’t uncommon for one of us to “see” impending doom or dream warnings.  So when I dream, I never know just exactly what I am going to get.  When I am in the middle of writing a book, I tend to get scenes out of my story.  The story lies inside me and waits to present itself.  But other times, I just dream craziness.

One example, is the dream I had a few days ago.  I dreamed I had to transport an 8 foot kangaroo, half way across the country, in the backseat of a small car.  My cousin was there to help me.  He got in the backseat and pulled the kangaroo’s tail and I pushed the flea ridden creature from the front.  We finally got it into the backseat and I got in the front to drive.  I looked back in my rear view mirror and said to my cousin, “Bet you never thought you would be traveling half way across the country with an 8 foot kangaroo in the backseat, huh?”  He rolled his eyes at me and huffed real loud.  I actually awoke from that dream because I was laughing out loud.  That dream meant absolutely nothing and was not a scene in any book I intend to write.  Unless it is a children’s book.  Ooooo, okay, so maybe that dream was a scene from a book after all.  Okay, so that wasn’t a good example of a dream that is just pure nonsense.  But that’s okay.  I suppose all my crazy dreams could technically become books.

So back to the original thought, I dream my books.  I honestly do wonder how many others of you dream your books as well.  It makes it hard to decide if I prefer being asleep or being awake.  When I am sleeping I dream books and when I am awake, I write them.  Being a writer is the most wonderful gift in the entire world.

Happy, crazy, scary, romantic, erotic, exciting dreaming to you!

Until next Friday, I bid you farewell.