Archive for the ‘family’ Category

Oh, where to begin.  Starting over is never easy.  The last time I started over it was exciting.  I had a plan.  Well, sort of had a plan.  More like, I had a man.  I have always had a man there to take care of me in some way.  I lived on my own when I was a teenager.  I moved in with my best friend three weeks after graduating high school.  She and I had been besties for 6 years.  It was exciting and new, but within a year I had struck out on my own.  I lived in a small condo that was on the border of foreclosure.  I rented from a nice man and his wife for a year.  I didn’t make much money and nearly starved to death.  My average weight is 125.  I met a nice man at work.  He was 15 years my senior.  My weight was down to 104 pounds.  He fed me and I married him.  I knew from the start that we married for the wrong reasons.  I moved into his home, when to his church, learned to like many of the things that he liked.  I conformed to his way of life.  By the end of the relationship I found myself going from being a sheltered housewife to a bounty hunter, then a makeup artist at a department store.  Two children and nearly twenty years later we divorced.  I ended up in another long term relationship.  I moved from Texas to Delaware to be with him.  I ended up on welfare until the state offered me a career opportunity.  I did the schooling and became a Certified Nurses Assistant.  I worked in home health and took care of mostly elderly patients.  Many of them over 90.  After a few years they would pass on and I would be devastated.  I stayed in that relationship for 5 years.  He was a quadriplegic.  That was why I chose to become a CNA.  I conformed to his way of life.  It ended and I wanted to move to Maine.  My dream was to live in a little house by a lighthouse and write.  Maybe work as a barmaid.  But my kids were grown and renting a house in Texas.  My daughter and her husband, my son and his then fiance’ (now wife). They had an extra bedroom and asked me to live with them while I got on my feet.  So I did.  Maine could wait for a while.  I missed my kids.  It was the most amazing year, living with the four of them.  I got to know my son in law and daughter in law.  I love them.  In fact, she is one of my closest friends now. We talk about everything.   Within a month of moving in with them and anxious to heal and figure out who I was and what I wanted, I fell right into my next relationship.  I wasn’t ready for a relationship but I didn’t know that at the time.

We would do the long distance thing for a year and then I moved to California to be with him.  I moved into his apartment, learned the ropes of travel, learned the art of public speaking.  I conformed to his way of life.  Are you seeing a pattern here?  This relationship ended, too.  I am still broken over this one.  I am still in love with him and he is still in love with me, but we both know we did the right thing.  Personal reasons that I will not go into.

So here I am.  But this time, my mind is different.  I was in cognitive behavior therapy for the last year.  The state of California offered to help me after my suicide attempt.  They offered me free therapy if I was willing to become a case study.  I agreed.  It made a huge difference in me.  I am starting the workbook over.  The last time I worked through it, I did it all from the perspective of one trying to save a relationship.  Now I am doing it from the correct perspective.  I am doing it so I can heal.  So I can be stronger, more in touch with that little voice that tells me when something is wrong.  I can look back on my life and see that in almost every heartbreaking or devastating situation I found myself in, I heard that little voice first.  I would argue with it and try to reason away my concerns.  I don’t do that anymore.  I listen now.  I seek out that little voice now through prayer.  This is not a get out of jail free card for the ones who have chosen to hurt me.  It is simply me taking responsibility for my own poor decisions.

I admit, I am scared.  I haven’t been ‘on my own’ since I was nineteen years old.  And really, this is the first time I have been 100% single since I was a teen.  Not someone hurting over a recently ended relationship and falling into new one immediately.  I am not open to being taken advantage of due to my vulnerability.  I am vulnerable, my emotions are raw, my mind still goes in and out of feeling independent to feeling like a scared little mouse in a the middle of a herd of elephants and looking for a safe place.  Then I remember, I have one of the strongest support systems one could ask for.  I have a hundred arms ready to give me a much needed hug.  I am at a place in my life that I have never experienced before.  And I am eternally grateful for the friendships that have stayed intact since my last break up.  He introduced me to a world of people that welcome the hurting, the lonely and the scared.  They not only welcome you, but once they take you in, they never let you go.  I have blessings that have remained from all the difficult situations that I have somehow put myself in.  Something good has always come from any of the bad in my life.  And I am so very grateful.

So here I am.  I have gone from a life of luxury and travel to one of very low pay, lots of hard work cashiering and time to focus on me and heal.  I paid all my bills this month and had money for food.  My son and his wife have taken me in until I can get on my feet.  I wake up to people who love me and encourage me every single day.  I get hugs and I love you’s.  I have a place to work, with people I consider friends.  I feel loved every where I go. I have an online community who supports me.  And most of all, I have me.  I am learning to love me and believe in me.  I am taking it one day at a time.  Some days I fail, some days I cry and some days I smile.  And other days, like today, I do it all.

Thank you for taking the time to read.  I love you all.  x

Oh dear, this week.  I haven’t really seen much of most of my family this week.  Crazy work schedules and school have prevented it and I miss them.

I suppose this week is going to have a couple of adventures listed but mostly it’s about how I feel about things.  I say lets talk about feelings first.  Writer’s platforms.  They sound simple enough, you need to get your name out there.  Alright, I can do that.  Let’s make a Facebook profile and go from there.  I did and I made a webpage and a twitter and a linked in and stumbleupon and reddit, etc.  But then you develop a wonderful, beautiful group of people who are interested in you and all you have to offer.  You find yourself interacting and not writing.  So I am trying to find that balance.  I hate to be away from the wonderful people I am developing new relationships with, but the book will not write itself.  So I am going to have to train myself to pull away and write for a few hours each day.  Then I can check back in a bit and back to writing.  I can do this!

My love life is interesting.  I don’t want to go into to much on that.  I have found that new love is wonderful, like a drug.  You are showered in affection and attention and it feels amazing.  Then time passes and you get to know each other and things settle down.  And you start wondering if you can even fit into their world.  You wonder what is the best way to move things around in your own to make room for them.  And sometimes you even realize that maybe your own world is so easy, so little complications, its pretty simple to move things around and say…climb in.  There is a place where he can fit so perfectly.  And you look at his world and it’s a beautiful, exciting, a fun whirlwind of a world with stunning people.  And you just don’t see a spot for you.  You really don’t see how you can possibly fit into it.  It can cause an internal panic of sorts.  What do you do?  I can’t answer that yet.  Maybe next weeks blog.

Relationship with my kiddos.  It seems I have done something over the last 8 years, since I discovered the internet.  I don’t pay full attention to them when they talk to me.  I love that I am close enough to them that they, particularly my daughter, can tell me anything.  She said they know that I only pay half attention and they have accepted it, but they would really like me to really hear them.  So I have made a new rule.  If they need to talk to me, they need to just come to me and say just that.  “Mom, I need to talk to you.”  And I will close the computer and actually listen to them.  They are my world and what truly matters in my life and I owe them that.  Shame on me, but I will do it right, from now on.  Love my babies.

Next, I was walking home from work one night and something bad happened.  Yes, it could have been much worse.  Thank goodness it wasn’t.  There are two streets close to my home.  I have to choose one to cross.  Neither of them have crosswalks and there are 6 lanes in all to cross.  That particular night it was rush hour.  So I waited for the light to turn green.  I saw a car to my left and wondered if he would turn left or go straight.  He did not have on a blinker, but I felt I should give him a minute to see if he would go straight.  He did and so when he got to the second lane, I ran across the street.  When I reached the middle of the second lane, he reached the third and decided to turn.  He almost hit me.  My hands went up, I screamed and jumped back, cars honked in warning and he slammed on his brakes.  The front of his vehicle was hot under my hand.  A second car swerved to avoid hitting him and also nearly hit me.  With my heart racing and body shaking, I made it home.  That was a defining moment for me.  My first thought was “omg…hospital bill!” as I do not have insurance and already owe quite a bit to the hospital.  My second thought, “my babies”  and my third thought, “I haven’t finished my book” after that, it was all the people I love and adore.  I don’t ever want to feel that again…ever.  If I am gonna risk my life in the street, I want it to be on my terms.

And guess what happened?  Well, the next day I needed to walk home again and I was scared.  No one was home to call and ask for a ride.  But my daughter was home without a car.  She walked over to get me.  She met me at the other light.  I smelled food and hadn’t eaten all day.  I asked her if she was hungry and she said yes.  I said that I would buy her dinner, but I really wanted a place that would serve us.  I was exhausted after working Friday through Tuesday, sometimes closing one night and opening the next day.  We went to the sandwich shop…it was a do it yourself.  So we left and walked to the Chinese place, it was a buffet, so we left.  And walked to the Mexican place, it was a do it yourself.  So we walked to the further away light…a third light and it had a crosswalk!  OMG we were so happy.  Then, we still nearly got ran over by a car turning and not paying attention.  She screamed obscenities at them and was completely unshaken.  My beautiful brave girl.  How did she turn out this way with a scaredy cat for a mom?  We got across and walked to the other Chinese place.  It was closed.  So we crossed another street and another group of buildings…not one restaurant.  After walking for 30 minutes we decided to go on to my favorite Mexican restaurant.  Well, you have heard the expression…where the sidewalk ends.  It actually did and there was a huge drainage canal and no walkway.  I was sad and said we would have to go home.  She said no we don’t….you wanna be served dammit!  So I put a leg over the guardrail and looked at her, standing there all wrapped up in her red fuzzy blanket covered in white hearts.  She put a leg over, too and we watched the car lights approaching and felt the cold wind blow our hair and clothes as they rushed past.  I could smell exhaust fumes and feel the wind change to warm as I would end up on the back side of the cars.  Hot and cold.  We noticed there was only a six inch sideroad thing for us to run down.  We finally saw a break in the cars and ran our asses off.  Seems in the dark we misjudged the distance.  It was about five car lengths and felt like it would never end.  We could hear the next batch of cars quickly approaching and we were caught between on of the six lanes and the cement barrier.  We ran faster, fighting to breath in the cold air and at last….grass…we jumped over just as the cars flew by.  Breathless we laughed…we did it!  Slowly we walked the rest of the way to the restaurant.  That meal was the best I have ever had there.  And I have had some other great meals there, one with my best friend and one with a very precious friend who took me on a date there the last time he was in town.  But this meal…it was something.  I was even texting with the precious friend and telling him of my adventure and what restaurant it led me to.  I think he just accepts my adventurous spirit.  He laughed.  Anyway, halfway through the meal I asked my daughter when would my son be home.  She called him and he was home.  So he begrudgingly came and got us and he was not happy with our decisions for the evening.  I’m not to do that again.  I love how much he loves us and was concerned.  No more crossing the drainage ditch for me.

So that is my week.  I am tired, emotionally worn, physically hurting and yet my heart is full.

Thank you for reading and have a great week!  x

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Death by Chocolate

Posted: February 21, 2014 in family, sickness, writing

I suppose I will start with work.  I am a cashier by day and a writer by…all the time I have, around cashiering.  I love my job and it is at the exact place I chose to work.  I love that I get to work with such great people and I love that I get to interact (one on one) with customers.  I do not do well in large groups.  I’m a bit of an introvert.  But I do love people.  One of my customers said I look like a mermaid with my long white hair.  First time I was ever compared to that.  I thought it was sweet.  The only problem with work, is that I need more hours…desperately need more hours.  I am saving up for a plane ticket for October.  So yes, more hours…we will see.  But let’s keep our fingers crossed.  Maybe wishing hard enough can make it happen.  And this trip in October.  I have to be honest and say that it is hard to imagine it really happening.  I want it to happen but it is like a dream.  Of course, having a long distance relationship with a man who exceeds everything I have looked for in another person…is like a dream, too.  We want to see castles, ruins, the sea, Emily Bronte’s house and he wants us to do karaoke.  Now, I cannot sing.  I was asked not to return to choir in high school.  lol  It’s okay, I can write, paint and draw.  Just not sing.  I told my girls about it and they got all excited and exclaimed how fun it will be.  I said no.  I can’t sing.  They said isn’t not necessary in karaoke.  Then they asked what song we wanted to sing.  I said he wants us to sing Don’t Go Breakin My Heart.  Well, the girls broke out into song.  One sang Elton’s part and the other sang Kiki’s.  Oh dear lord.  Now they say they will teach it to me and practice it with me til I leave on my trip.  This should be interesting.

Next, writers platforms are really hard to keep up with.  Sometimes quite exhausting but always exciting.  I learned what a blog hop is, this week.  I was approached about being a part of one and explained what it is and how it works.  So that it exciting.  I learned more about podcasts.  A good friend has put me with a man who wants to do a podcast in regards to my novel.  I spoke with him and he said we need to do it a few days before the release date.  That way when people hear the podcast and want the book, they won’t have to wait too long to get it.  I heard back from my editor for the first time this week!  That was exciting, too!

Finally got all the necessary address changes made on bank accounts and credit cards and such this week.  Now to get my driver’s license taken care of.  Even though I do not have a car nor do I want one.

I enjoyed one night where I was up late writing and my son came in around midnight and asked me to watch a movie with him.  He has had a lot on his mind of late and a movie would help distract him.  So we were up til around two watching a batman movie (cartoon but really good).  Now I need to see part two.  But it’s like two hours long and we didn’t need to be up even later.  We both had work the next day.  I sure do enjoy the time I get to spend with my kiddos.

And lastly, I miss chocolate.  It was my favorite good growing up, but always made me sick.  I just didn’t know why until a few years ago.  And once a year I decide that it was a mistake and I am not really allergic to chocolate and I eat some.  Well, last night was the night.  My children quickly banned me from the box of chocolates that originally had a note on them that said, ‘up for grabs’ which meant no one claimed it and anyone could have it.  So I wanted to try all the different kinds.  Not whole ones but cut em in half and have half.  Yeah, I got sick.  My blood pressure dropped very quickly.  Started at 139/87 and in minutes was 107/59.  The rapid drop gave me such a headache, still have it today, too. There is now a new note on top of the box.  I will post a pic.   So yes, I am still allergic to chocolate, it could potentially put me in a coma and yet, I am sure we will have this conversation again next February.

So that is my week in a nutshell.  Not too exciting, but it will be fun to play photographer on Sunday.  My daughter, who is actually a real photographer need pics of herself.  So she can attempt to train me on Sunday.  It will be a fun outing to the park.

That’s enough for now.  Thank you for reading and have a great week.  x

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Hello everyone.  My blog is a bit late this week, as I have been preoccupied with my new love interest and with writing my novel.

So first things first.  This has been a whirlwind of a week and I have been so happy sleep has eluded me.  I lay there in my bed and my mind spins around recalling the scenes I have written, people I have spoken with and the words my love shared with me.  My heart is just so full right now.  Friends, family and love.  What more do you need?  Well, food…and I keep forgetting to eat.  But I still love all of this.

I start my new job at Dollar Tree on Wednesday, that will pay my bills until my book is out.  I was approached by a fellow author, asking if he could possibly use one of my pictures for the cover of his book.  He may use it and he may not, but either way it was an honor that he even considered me.  I also found out this week that I have an editor.  Another fellow author and dear friend arranged that for me.  Facebook has been such a wonderful blessing.  The fantastic people I have met there have truly enriched my life and continue to do so.  I only hope I can return that for them somehow.

I went to a birthday party for my son in laws aunt and had a fabulous time there.  Good people, good food and white wine.  I am an introvert and at one point I wondered off onto the back porch and visited with people.  I even pulled a chair up and sat among them…not off to the side somewhere.  My daughter went looking for me and she came out and found me.  She said, “Well, look at you.  Socializing.  I’m so proud of you!”  lol  Then later I was sitting on the couch and the sweetest girl in the world sat on my lap and kissed me.  That’s what happens when you go to a party and drink too much.  I will post a pic.  😉

Then before we left, my son in law’s grandmother (a feisty fiery woman that I just adore) says to me, “I know a book you should write.  You should write a mystery called ‘where the hell did my right breast go?'”  Then she lifted up her shirt and showed me her mastectomy scar.  That woman is one proud survivor!  Gotta admire that!  Anyway, it was a wonderful visit like something out of a movie.  Wood floors, country music, dancing, smoking, drinking, laughing, hugging, eating and just all around a loving wonderful bunch.

And lastly, last night was crazy.  I moved away from a place where violence abounded.  gunshots, fires and stabbings in the apartment complex.  It never seemed too bad though.  I was used to it I suppose.  But now I live in another state in a nice neighborhood.  So there should not be such things.  Well, there was a whole group of teens screaming and such in the middle of the night, so we went to the window to see what was happening.  My son in law went out there to ask and I’ll be damned if a gun didn’t go off.  sigh  This stuff just follows me around.  It’s crazy.  So I will do my best to stay out of your neighborhood.  Because I’m nice that way, of course my current neighbors may argue that.

Well, that seems enough excitement for one week.  Now wish me luck on finishing the book, starting the new job and sleep.  And wish my new love luck…he’s gonna have his hands full with me.

Thank you for reading and have a great week. x

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The Curse of Nathan

Posted: January 24, 2014 in curses, family, Grown kids, humor, love

Oh, where do I start?  I love that my home is back to normal, laughing, wrestling, chasing…we are grown ups, we are allowed to run in the house now, just not with scissors.  haha  We have had laughs and conflicts that were quickly resolved with love and hugs.  And a bit of excitement.

I decided I wanted a job at a specific place…two weeks ago.  So I went in on a Friday and got an application, filled it out and they said they would call me on Monday.  They didn’t so I went up there.  Turned out the manager took off that week, unexpectedly.  They said she would be back the following Monday.  So I went back the next Monday.  She said she had just gotten back and they had a shipment she was dealing with and that she would look at my app and call me back on Tuesday.  She didn’t call.  So I went back on Wednesday.  She lost my app and had me fill out another then took me in her office and interviewed me and I start next week!

Another day, my son in law came to me and said he and my son have decided that the reason we have a ghost in our house and we all got so sick was due to a curse that Nathan put on us.  If you remember, Nathan was the stranger who walked into our house on New Years around 2 am and used our bathroom.  He was a stranger and was promptly escorted out of the house with my son in law cussing at him and holding a gun.  So now they are convinced Nathan has hexed our home.  They do make me giggle a lot.

Alright, that is enough for now.  Rather short and sweet this week.  You’re welcome.  haha

Thank you for reading and have a great week.  x

And don’t forget to check out my daughter’s blog:  http://victoryasite.wordpress.com/2014/01/24/cliff-notes/

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As you all know, the last two weeks have been very trying with this house filled to the brim with sickness.  The only sounds, for days, were coughs and vomiting.  But things are back to normal now and I am so grateful.

This week has been slow as we were all gaining our strength back.  I did go out and get applications for employment from a dozen places or so.  Some were hiring, some were not, but all say you can fill out an application and they will put them on file.  Who knows if they really do, but I will give it a go.  Really, I want to be a cashier.  No quotas, no pressure sales, no keeping up with food orders, just cashiering.  I need a part time job so I can keep writing my novel.

Speaking of my novel.  I am almost to the halfway mark.  And I put off a scene for the last few days, due to the nature of the scene.  The first day I tried to write it, I ended up putting finding a thousand other things that needed doing.  You see, I bought the coolest fold up table and chair set from Spiderlegs.com and I will post a picture of them folded and one of them opened up.  Anyway, The word procrastinate has a ‘pro’ at the beginning for a reason. Seems I am one when it comes to procrastination. So, a couple hours ago I sat at my new table with my new chair to start writing. As I sat there I noticed the carpet could sure use some vacuuming, so I got up and started to put stuff from the floor to the bed. But then I thought, “I was sick for the last couple weeks, I really should wash my bedding.” So I stripped my bed and put it in the washer. While in the utility room I thought, “I should probably go ahead and wash my clothes while I am at it.” So I came back in the bedroom and into the closet to get the hamper. I took it to the utility room but came back to clean up the closet. I had packages in there I still need to mail for Christmas and they needed to be wrapped. So I wrapped them. And yes, I still need to mail them…again…PROcrastinator. Well after all that, I finally put stuff on the bed and vacuumed. After the floor looked so nice, I noticed the furniture needed dusting. So I dusted it and then I thought, “I need to take pictures of the table and chair, but I need to fold them first and take a pic like that.” But I couldn’t figure out how to do it. So I had to look for the directions. I found them and got it all folded and took pics and put them back together and took more pics and then I got my room put back together. Now I am plum wore out so I am resting and telling you all why I haven’t written yet. It’s because I am a pro.  So, last night I decided the scene must be done, no matter how painful.  One of my favorite child characters had to die.  It was the hardest scene I have written yet.  I cried so hard, I had trouble seeing the screen to finish.  I also listen to classical music when I write and to top off the moment, My Heart Will Go On came on Pandora and played throughout the whole end of the scene.  I was a blubbering mess who had to go get a hug from my daughter.  I was so glad she was still up.

Now as far as things getting back to normal.  I decided I needed to make some gluten free pancakes at 11:30pm.  So I was in the kitchen cooking when the kids wandered in, one by one.  At one point, my son was trying to show us all something on his phone and my son in law came in with pigtails in his hair.  He ended up chasing my son’s fiance around the island, them bumping me as I cooked and my daughter was singing How Much Is That Doggy in the Window to her dog, Cyanide.  It made me smile to see things were back to normal in our home.  I love these kids with all my heart.

And things are progressing nicely with my new friend.  He is a gem and makes me curious to see where things will go.

Okay, that’s enough for now.  Thank you for reading and have a great week.  x

Don’t forget to check out my son’s fiance’s blog.

http://theotherdaughterofshe.wordpress.com/2014/01/17/a-bad-nanny-with-a-bad-haircut/

And my daughter’s blog.

http://victoryasite.wordpress.com/2014/01/17/i-am-the-queen-of-the-world-and-my-secret-to-success-is/

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This week has been spent in ER’s and in bed.  My household has had the stomach flu and bronchitis.  A week ago Monday, my son’s fiance had to go to the ER with the stomach flu.  As the week wore on, my daughter was terribly sick with coughing and fever.  On Friday I took her to the ER, as well.  As I sat in the waiting area in the coziest ER I have ever been in, I noticed a gorgeous piece hanging on the wall.  It had little candle holders all over it.  I really need one of those for my room.  Anyway, we were only there for like twenty minutes and out came my daughter.  They said she had bronchitis and gave us three prescriptions to be filled.  So I went to the pharmacy and called the house to see if anyone else needed anything.  By that point, my son was coughing, too.  So I picked up some medicine for him.  I took my daughter home and realized the pharmacy forgot one of the prescriptions.  So I ran back up there.  And got the last one, then finally home.

By Saturday morning I was sick, too.  Bronchitis and stomach flu.  Everytime I went into a coughing fit, I threw up.  Nothing helped.  A few days in, I was still coughing and throwing up at 12:30am.  My son in law (was a medic in the army) came in and had me come to the living room with my throw up bucket, blanket and pillow and lay on the couch.  He gave me medicine for nausea, a glass of water and turned on Game of Thrones.  That is my favorite show ever right now and he is getting me caught up before the new season starts.  He read the books, so he fills me in on things the show doesn’t explain.  He sat up with me for an hour and a half, until my tummy settled and I could sleep.  My daughter picked a good one.  By the next day, he was sick, too.  I lay there in my bed and listened to all five of us coughing and thought…”This must have been what it sounded like hundreds of years ago when a house would get bronchitis.  And so many didn’t survive back then.  I hate how sick we all are and hearing all the coughs, but I love knowing we will all be okay soon.”

After that, I knew I would not need to go to the ER, which is a good thing.  My last trip to the ER back in August has left me with a 7k hospital bill.  And speaking of that bill.  I need a job.  I was finally feeling well enough to venture out to the grocery store yesterday.  So we are now stocked up on everything we need and I picked up job applications while I was out.  Now let’s just cross our fingers that I am working by this time next week.

In the midst of all this sickness and bedrest, I have made a new friend.  He lives a long way from me, but fascinates me to no end.  He is a fellow writer and even published.  We have much to talk about and he’s been wonderful to get to know during this time that I have been confined to my bed.  He has led an intriguing life, which he has written about in his published books.  I am currently reading the first one.  I will let you know when I finish it.

So in a nutshell, we have been sick, we are getting better, I got applications to try to get a job and I made a new friend.   Not too bad for slow week.

Thank you for reading and have a great week. x

And here is the link to my son’s fiance’s blog.  Check her out.  http://theotherdaughterofshe.wordpress.com/2014/01/10/heart-snatcher-and-my-addiction/

And here is my daughter’s blog.  Check her out, too.  http://victoryasite.wordpress.com/2014/01/10/he-can-really-minimize-and-zip-up-fast/

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