Archive for the ‘heartbreak’ Category

“Appreciate someone else’s beauty without questioning your own.”  That is a variation of a meme I recently read.  It spoke volumes to me.  I really struggle with this one.  There have been times in my life that I have sadly invited people in who would tell me the most awful things about myself.  In turn, I actually started to listen to them after years of hearing the negative.  I would hear them call me beautiful, until they were angry about something…anything really.  Then I would hear them call me the most horrific of names.I think the one that stuck the most, the one I am still working to overcome, was old fatass. I allowed that one to do some serious damage.

I have learned that it is important to be secure in yourself.  You have to be so secure in yourself that words like that don’t settle in your mind and shake your self perception. That is so much easier said than done.  The first step is to remove negative, hurtful people from you inner circle.  Surround yourself with people who see your beauty.  People that mirror the love and kindness that you so generously share.  The second step for me was therapy. Cognitive Behavior Therapy (CBT) is working wonders for me.  It teaches me to stop and think, the second I hear those awful words ringing in my ears.  I replace them with the loving things I have heard others tell me.  Then I replace even that with loving words I tell myself.  That right there is what matters more than anything.  The loving words I tell myself.  I make a list of the things I like about myself.  I remember that the things I do not like about myself are either changeable or they are things about me that make me unique. Unique is often ridiculed.  It shouldn’t be.  Unique is what keeps this world from being mundane.  Unique is what adds character.  Think about it.  When you walk into someone’s home and see a standard, cookie cutter room.  You generally think, what a lovely home. But when you walk in and there are pieces of furniture you have never seen before, or artwork that is new to you, it is an instant conversation piece.  That is because it is unique. We need to learn to embrace our unique qualities.  Stay away from those who ridicule those precious parts of us.  Those people, most likely, do not like the unique parts of themselves and are projecting that self loathing onto you.  Pray for them, send them positive vibes, but keep them at a distance.  That kind of negativity can wear you down, get into your mind and poison you, as well.  The things we surround ourselves with are the things we become.

It’s like a person who is drowning.  It takes a life guard, equipped with a life preserver to save them.  If someone who isn’t a professional swimmer attempts to save them, the person going under will pull them down, too.  They won’t mean to, but in their panic for survival, they will cause you to go down with them.  It is much like that in life.  It takes a professional to help a hurting person get better.  And only that hurting person can decide if they want that help.  Sticking around and trying to guide them to help, will only make them angry and get you hurt.  Pray for them, send them positive vibes, but keep them at a distance.

Now that I have explained how best to feed your self love, and what to avoid, let’s go back to the original thought here.  Learning to appreciate someone else’s beauty without questioning your own.  I have been doing better about that.  I used to cringe every time I saw someone young and thin.  I wanted to cower in a corner to hide my old fatass.  I didn’t want them to see me.  I was afraid they were internally criticizing me and laughing at me. Perhaps even judging me.  I am getting better.  Now when I see them, my first thought is, her skin is so young and smooth.  She is beautiful.  I just admire those people as works of art.  I do not go into an art gallery and see a beautiful painting and get angry because I cannot paint that well.  I do not listen to singers that give me goosebumps and feel angry because I cannot carry a tune in a bucket.  I look at the painting or hear the song and I feel something special.  I am filled with appreciation for what I am experiencing.  I am seeing people in that same light now.  I hear a voice that is sultry and sexy and just love listening to it.  I see eyes that look like crystal blue pools and I just love looking at them.  I see youth and watch the how carefree they are and I am glad they are getting to experience that time in their lives, because it changes as the responsibilities begin.

I will end this piece with something that I experienced at work recently.  It reaffirmed that we need to appreciate the beauty in others, not question our own.  A young woman, early twenties was in my line, her toddler in the seat of the shopping cart.  The woman was beautiful.  Her brown hair in a short pixie cut, big brown eyes and she was thin.  I wondered what her secret was to staying thin after having a child.  Maybe she works out, I thought.  I couldn’t take my eyes off her.  She was captivating.  But she was also nervous. She dropped her purse, then a few of the items she was putting on the belt.  She kept apologizing for everything she did.  She apologized to the lady behind her for taking so long.  She apologized to me as she dropped her money again, handing it to me.  I gently asked her if she was okay.  She stopped and looked me in the eyes and said, “No.  I have to have an emergency hysterectomy and I am scared.”  I said, “It will be okay.  I had one at twenty-five.”  Then her eyes filled with tears and she said, “And I just found out I have cancer.  That’s why they need to do the hysterectomy.”  She turned and kissed her toddler on the head, tears streaming down her face.  I told her I was so sorry and that I would be praying for her.  She thanked me and left with her items and her child.  My heart hurt so badly for her.  I realized how ridiculous it was for me to wonder how she looked the way she did.  I should have done nothing more than appreciate her beauty.  I will remember that from now on.  It doesn’t matter how a person has the qualities we admire.  All that matters is that we admire them without questioning them or our own.

So that is what I am going to do from now on.  Learn to appreciate someone else’s beauty, without questioning my own.

Thank you for reading.  X

 

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Well, this week I did a bad thing.  A very bad thing.  It was not intentional but that is no excuse.  And as best as I can tell, everything is alright, but I still feel like the worst person to ever walk the face of the earth.

My daughter and I were visiting some very lovely friends.  I really do love these people so much.  So there we were, a room full of pretty much adults and one precious little 6 year old girl who was sitting right next me.  In my excitement to see everyone and the fact that I have not been around a small child around the holidays in probably 10 years or more, I did not have my child mind going.  I was in my adult mindset.  Someone said they wondered when Santa was born.  My daughter looked it up on her phone and said 1773.  In my stupidity, I said, “I know where Santa is buried…Ireland.”  They said, no he’s not.  I said, “Yes he is.”  Then you coulda heard a pin drop.  They all looked at the sweet little girl sitting next to me.  She said, “Santa’s not dead.”  I said, “No, he’s not.  I was just kidding.  What did you ask him for this year?”  She said, “A Furby boom.”  I asked what that was.  She looked at me like I was moron and said, “You don’t now what a Furby boom is?!”  The others explained that it is pretty much what the old Furby’s were.  Then everyone went into the other room to work on the Christmas tree and left me alone with the girl.  I asked her what did Santa bring her last year.  She said, “I don’t remember but my Grandma gave me a cuddle buddy.”  I asked what that was.  Again, she looked at me like I was a moron and held her hand up like she was doing a sock puppet.  She said, “It’s a puppet and a blanket.”  Then she slowed her speech down to make sure I understood.  She said, “A blanket, so you can cuddle,” And she did the hand again and said very slowly, “And a puppet…buddy.  A cuddle buddy.”  Then her eyes looked into mine and she raised an eyebrow waiting to see if I understood.  I said,  ”Ohhh, I get it.  A cuddle buddy.”  She smiled.  Then her eyes lit up and she said, “I remember what Santa got me last year!”  I asked what was that.  She looked at me and thought for a minute and said, “It’s too hard to explain to you.  Nevermind.”  And we retreated to the room with all the other people and the tree.  Before we left, she hugged me goodbye.  I honestly think that in her mind, I am just an idiot.  So it’s all good.  Because, well, I am an idiot.  Or I was that day anyway.  I contacted the family to apologize again and was told it didn’t even phase her.  whew.  I got a repeat lesson in think before you speak.

My daughter had a photoshoot to do, out at the park.  She needed to be in some of the pictures though, so I volunteered to take a few for her.  Mine need some serious work, but it got the done.  I will post one of me and daughter from that day.  It was fun.

And one last thing.  I found out that if you are going to have friends over, you have to warn everyone else in the house in advance.  You don’t want to be sitting there in your pajamas, with cold cream on your face and watching tv when company comes over.  The son in law forgot to warn people and it upset the house.  The fiance ended up in my room, working on her blog.  Later my daughter came back, too.  The girls started working on my son’s Christmas present.  My son kept trying to come in.  The girls would scream at him to leave.  He said he wanted his fiance to come watch a movie with him.  Well, after several attempts to enter or get the fiance to come out, he came back again.  This time he hollered through the door…”Are you coming?”  I yelled back, “No, she’s not screaming yet.”  With that I got a loud groan and MOMMMMMM, from my son.  But it made me laugh and he didn’t come back to bother her again.

Oh yes, and my daughter did a photoshoot with me in my burgundy cape.   After an hours of hair straightening, (I will post a pic), push up bras, being turned, posed, poked and prodded, the pictures didn’t turn out very well.  So I just took one with my phone and decided to try another photoshoot next week out in the woods.  That should be different and maybe the lighting will be better.

There were many other things that happened this week, but those are the highlights.

Thank you for reading and have a great week!  x

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My son’s fiance’s blog:  http://theotherdaughterofshe.wordpress.com/2013/12/20/white-lightening-tantrums-and-crap/

Changes are being made in my life right now.  The ones that are too personal, will not be mentioned here.  That still leaves many others to tell.  So my week.  It has been riddled with ups and downs, feelings of loss and despair to hope and laughter.  Let’s start with my trek across the good ole US of A.  I made it to the airport, heart broken, lost and unsure of what lay ahead.  I had never even visited the home where I would soon reside.  But I knew the people in it.  Two of the four I birthed myself.  My daughter, her husband, my son and his fiance’.  I love them all and get along with them all.

At the airport, I needed to just stay focused on the trip itself.  Try not to think of the life I was leaving, nor the one I was headed to.  Just the trip itself.  I had my little dog with me.  He is ten pounds of nothing and sweet as can be.  I got to the airport, worried that his canvas carrier would be too big to allow him on the flight.  But it wasn’t.  I got my tickets…yes tickets…plural.  My dog needed a separate ticket.  In fact, his ticket cost $26.00 more than mine and he didn’t even get his own seat!  So, we got our tickets and headed to security.  Now, I had to take off my shoes, take my dog out of his carrier and put his collar in the bucket to run through x-ray.  Did all that and thought it would be simple to just walk through the metal detector and retrieve my things.  I honestly thought the most challenging part would be putting the dog BACK into the carrier.  We walked through and they said they needed to check my hands for explosives.  As I held my dog, they wiped my hands with a little strip of paper and put it into the machine.  Lights, bells and whistles went off alerting them that I might be a bomber.  I was promptly rushed to another area to be patted down.  They taok my dog and put him back in his carrier and had me stand with my feet spread on some mat.  Another person wiped down my purse and the carrier to check for more explosives and it came back clear.  As they were doing this, my little dog was trying to run away, so he was rolling all over the place in his carrier as he loudly cried.  Yes, my dog runs from danger.  He will never protect me.  I figured his logic is…”hey, someone’s gotta tell the story…”.  So then they taook me to a private room with two people and said to me, “We have to pat you down.  We will run a hand up the crack of your butt and under your breasts and up the insides of your legs.  Please put your arms out of the way.”  So I did and they did.  Then they wiped their gloves with that paper strip and put it in the machine…more bells and whistles.  That was when they had to call in an expert.  He came in and looked me over, checked my things and put the items back through the x-ray.  I was good.  They said it must have been my hair care products or hand sanitizer and sent me on my way.

Well, that was fun.  Luckily, I fully expect things of this nature to happen to me, it is just inevitable.  So I found myself fighting laughter through the whole process.  I fought the little dog back into his carrier and hung the bag containing him over my shoulder.  I figured I would grab a bite to eat and sit down in the terminal and wait the hour and a half to fly out.  I found a stand and walked in and picked up a container of strawberries and blueberries.  Then, I noticed that they had gluten free food!  I am allergic to gluten and much more.  So I put back the fruit.  “No fruit for me this time!” I thought to myself and smiled.  I saw gluten free sandwiches! I was so excited I could barely contain myself, until I saw that they all had tomato on them.  I am allergic to tomato.  I excitedly walked over to the gluten free baked goods.  But then I saw they all had chocolate in them.  I am allergic to chocolate.  But then I saw salads!  sigh With tomato in them.  I picked up my fruit, paid for it and headed to the terminal.  Finally there, I sat down and put my little dog on the ground.  He cried so I put him in my lap.  He cried, so I stood up, tossed him, still in his bag back over my shoulder, and walked the airport looking for Benadryl to help him calm down.  After 45 minutes of searching I read that I could give him Dramamine, so I bought some.  It was finally time to board and he was quiet so long as we were walking.  Once on the flight, I had to put him on the floor under the seat in front of me.  He cried and cried and cried.  Dramamine did not help.  Once in the air, I put him in my lap and he was better, still not great, but better.  I knew it would be a long three and a half hours on that flight with no writing time.  At one point I had to use the restroom.  I headed back with the dog in his bag over my shoulder.  The flight attendant said I had to leave him under the seat.  I said, “Okay but he will scream.”  and I headed back to my seat.  But I guess with the two screaming babies on board and then the dog, too, she had had enough and said, “Take him with you.”  Wow.  I thought those bathrooms were small before, but try using one with your screaming dog in a carrier!  I made it back to my seat and it was time to land, so I had to put the dog back under the seat and we all heard him cry for the last half hour.  I am sure everyone on that flight wanted to hurt me, except the moms of the screaming babies.  They were glad the people were focused on me, I think.

Finally  land and get off the plane.  We were thirty minutes early!  Yay!  I called the kids, who were in route.  They said they were planning me landing later so they would be there in a half hour.  I could feel the bruise on my shoulder and wanted to rest but couldn’t, for the dog would cry.  After a half hour of walking with the dog, I called the kids.  They got lost and it would be another half hour.  I watched all the people leave with their families and I was one of the only three people left by the time the kids made it.  I was so happy to see them.  I got in the car and we headed home, only to realize we were on empty.  We needed gas….right then!  We exited toward a gas station.  It was confusing in the dark.  There was a small street, just before you came to the station.  So we passed it and looked for a place to turn in.  There was none and it was a one way street.  So the kids drove across the grass and over a curb and voila…we made it into the gas station parking lot.  I love how adventurous my kids are.  We got gas and made it home.  And what a lovely home it is.  My room is beautiful and comfortable.  I didn’t sleep well.  Maybe it was all the changes or excitement or the people I missed that were on my mind.

The next day was fun.  My son took off work to spend the day with me.  We got groceries I could eat and watched movies.  The day after that, my daughter took me to get some furniture for my room to make it more comfortable and to have places for all of my things.  My son in law and son’s fiance’ listen to me rattle on about nothingness.  The kids work together like the intricacies of an old clock.  The gears in perfect sync.  It looks like madness and confusion at times, but when you look closely, it all makes perfect sense.  It’s like a ballet even.  The movement and spinning and here and there, but nobody trips, they just flow.  And now I get to be a part of this dance, too.  My coordination lacks, but I know they will catch me if I fall, so it’s all good.

There is always someone to talk with, go places with, eat with, watch movies with…it really is quite beautiful.  I know it won’t last forever, but I love this moment in time and will cherish it.

There is more, much much more, but no need to write a novel just yet.  I will save some for next week.

Thank you for reading and have a great week.  x

P.S.  I am adding a bit to this piece.  My kids just knocked on my door and said to come to the kitchen for my surprise.  They presented me with a welcome home card full of beautiful words that made my eyes water and little gift box.  I opened it and found a house key that they had made for me with pink hearts and pink stones in it.  I truly am home.  ❤

I was just talking with some friends and I said some things about how I am doing right now.  The things I said, seemed appropriate blog material.  So here goes.

My life is a whirlwind right now, highs and lows, ups and downs.  Half the time I don’t know my head from my ass.  I am excited and terrified.  One minute I am smiling and the next…tears stream down my face.

I move half way across the country one week from tomorrow.  As the day get closer, the days move faster and somehow in slow motion.  Like when you fall.  You know you are falling, you feel as if you are moving in slow motion and have no control over the fall itself, not how you land, not the hurt you know will come.  And once you hit the ground, all you can think about is how fast it all happened.  My life is at that point, the point where I am falling.  I am moving in slow motion, I see it all happening to me and yet, I have no control over the hurt I will feel in the end.  In all honesty, I can’t even brace myself for the painful landing, I just have to deal with the fact that it is coming.  It is coming and it will hurt and I will lay there for a bit, catching my breath.  Then I will wipe my tears, brush the dirt off, assess my wounds and dress them.  I will stand up, wobbly at first and take a step, then another and another.  I will walk a little faster, the pain will fade and I will find myself running again.  I know I will do all these things.  But right now, I am falling.  So, please bear with me in the next few weeks and especially right now.  My writings will be on a whim, no set days.  I will be writing when I need the release.  All I ask, is that you send positive thoughts my way.  I need them.  And a parting thought.  I may not know my head from my ass right now, but I sure as hell will…

Thank you.  x

Today I am writing about something I experienced this week.  I have lived in the same apartment for 4 years and gone to the same Walmart store for the same amount of time.  I love living here and I am sad to be leaving.  Sometimes circumstances dictate where we go and what we do, or at least heavily influence our decisions.  At this point in my life, moving is the right thing to do, though it weighs heavy on my heart.  I did some last minute things this week that I will never experience again.  Things I love.  I visited old New Castle and took pictures of some of the beautiful historic buildings and then on to the waterfront.  It is so wonderfully peaceful there.  While I was there I met a homeless man who told me all of the sites, barely visible just across the river.  I saw beauty in the sun on the water and shining through the trees.  I will post pictures of some of these things.  I closed my eyes and felt the strong wind blow across me, took in the scent of the water, listened to the seagulls and felt the warmth of the sun on my face.  I could feel my heart breaking and sadness engulfing my soul.  Later in the week I would go visit my favorite Irish Pub and talk with the bartender who I just adore.  She is amazing, kind and funny.  Just a lovely lovely woman.

Last thing on my list was Walmart.  There is an elderly greeter at the door there.  When I come in, even in a crowd, he pushes his way to me, takes my hands and kisses them.  He says I am his beautiful Swedish princess and he makes me feel so special.  It doesn’t matter if I am dolled up or no makeup and sweats, he greets me with the same enthusiasm.  I knew I needed to tell him I am moving.  Four years we have danced this dance and now it must end.  I came in the door and he ran to me, kissed my hands and said how much he has missed me.  I told him I was sorry but I would not be coming back as I am moving across the country.  Tears welled up in his eyes, the lines ever present in his face, covered in a soft white beard.  He placed his hands gently on the sides of my face and said, “I need one kiss from my beautiful Swedish princess before she is gone forever.”  And he gently pressed his lips to mine.  Then he hugged me and said how much he will miss me.  I assured him that the feeling is mutual and I left, his sad eyes following me.

Moving is so hard when you grow to love a place and the people within it.  But moving is what I need to do.  My time in this place is over and a new adventure lies ahead.

Until next Friday, I bid you farewell.  x

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