Archive for the ‘inspiration’ Category

his world

I posted a meme recently that seemed to ruffle some feathers.   It is interesting how one person can see something as beautiful and yet another sees it as sad.  There is nothing wrong with different perspectives.  Everyone is entitled to their own.  And depending on life experiences, age and time frames, the perspectives can vary to a large degree.

I am attaching the meme I speak of.  When I posted it, I didn’t add a message as to my point of view.  I honestly didn’t think it was necessary.  That was rather presumptuous of me and wrong.  I am not sure of the other opinions involved.  It seems that some think of the meme as sad.  Perhaps they view it as a man offering a woman everything and her saying no thank, because she already has everything that he offers.  I’m not really sure.

But when I read this meme, it spoke to my heart.  It was one of the most beautiful things I had seen in a while.  To me, it was a man offering a woman his world.  He was offering her everything he had.  She lovingly let him know he didn’t need to do that.  She already had those things, plus some things that were different than his world.  She took a weight off his shoulders and let him know she doesn’t mind visiting his world, but she needed to live in her own.  That also meant she didn’t expect him to live in her world, but just to visit it and continue living in his own.

A partnership.  A mutual respect.  And no enormous expectations.

I have always enmeshed myself into the world of whatever man offered me his own.  I would adapt and learn to fit into whatever world that might be.  In the end, I would lose myself and become sad.  And more often than not, the one who offered me his world would suddenly feel I owed him for what he gave me.  He would see it as a lack of respect if I complained of missing my own.  It would become leverage in heated situations.

Nothing good came from that for me.  There ended up being resentment, frustration, sadness, loneliness, anger and strife just to mention a few.

So when I saw this meme, I saw a situation where it was acceptable for her to say that she had her own world.  I saw a mutual respect and a situation where he could sigh a breath of relief.  He offered her everything he had, but saw that he didn’t need to do that.  All he needed to do was to be himself.  Be willing to visit her world from time to time and enjoy her presence in his world from time to time.  They could be together in a new place that they created.  Something different than his world and her world.  Something they built as a team, as a couple, and as friends.

I love this meme.  I love what it says to me.  I see a beautiful future one day, very different than any past I have known.

Feel free to leave a message and tell what the meme says to you.  There are no wrong answers.  Only varying perspectives and all will be respected.

Thank you for reading.  X

I have always loved my birthday.  I don’t have any family members that share my special day.  It just meant so much to me that people were excited about the day I entered this world.

But now it is a very different reason.  You see, on December 22nd, 2015, I attempted suicide by swallowing a bunch of pills.  The police came and took me to a psych ward for observation.  After spending a bit of time there, I sought help with a therapist.  And now I no longer have those dark thoughts.  I have hopeful thoughts.  Positive thoughts.  And I am eternally grateful that I failed to end my life when I tried.  Grateful that I am here. Grateful for every single birthday I am blessed with, purely because I love being alive.

It’s why I take pictures of everything that I find fascinating or funny or beautiful and share them on social media.  I want to share my appreciation for life with the world.  I love listening to the train as it passes by in the night.  I love beautiful cloudy days and gorgeous sunny ones.  I love the smell of the rain and the sound it makes outside the window or on my umbrella.  I love the feel of the warm rain on my skin.  I love witty people that laugh at their own jokes even harder than the rest of us.  I love to hear people laugh.  I love the sound of dozens of voices talking when I enter a crowded place, especially places where there are family functions going on.  I love hugs.  I love kindness.  I love the roar of the ocean waves meeting the rocks and sand.  I love sunsets and sunrises. I love that first sip of coffee with my favorite creamer, in the morning.  I love the comfort of my bed at the end of a long day.  I love to dance to music, in the kitchen, when preparing food or doing dishes.  I love the hum of the fan when I fall asleep in the dark.  I love my fuzzy Star Wars pajama pants and oversized Harley Davidson sweatshirt.  I love going barefoot.  I love having hope that things will turn out okay.  I love having faith that God is in control.  I love when I see his signs so clearly leaving no room for doubt.  I love peace.  I love solitude.  I love going to the movies and out for dinner.  I love doing things on my own, feeling independent.  I also love having help from people who never make me feel indebted to them.  I love helping others.  I love doing speaking engagements.  I love impacting others lives in a positive way.  I love the castle ruins in Ireland, the sunsets at Santa Monica beach, the history in Delaware, the skies over Texas and all the people I have been blessed to meet in-between. And I love writing.  Telling the stories I watch in my mind as movies.  I love sharing those stories with others.  The love of my family and friends.  The ones who have been here for me in the darkest of times.  I love cuddles from my little dog.  And more than anything, I love my children.  To realize all the years of their hugs, hearing their laughter, being there for them through tears…that were almost gone. It makes me love life all the more.

I am here.  I am alive.  I have learned to love myself.  I have purpose.  And I am loved.

This is why my birthday is so very important to me.  Yes, every day is important to me, but I wasn’t born every day.  I was born March 15th.  That is my day to celebrate me and the life I have been blessed with.

Thank you for reading.  X

“Appreciate someone else’s beauty without questioning your own.”  That is a variation of a meme I recently read.  It spoke volumes to me.  I really struggle with this one.  There have been times in my life that I have sadly invited people in who would tell me the most awful things about myself.  In turn, I actually started to listen to them after years of hearing the negative.  I would hear them call me beautiful, until they were angry about something…anything really.  Then I would hear them call me the most horrific of names.I think the one that stuck the most, the one I am still working to overcome, was old fatass. I allowed that one to do some serious damage.

I have learned that it is important to be secure in yourself.  You have to be so secure in yourself that words like that don’t settle in your mind and shake your self perception. That is so much easier said than done.  The first step is to remove negative, hurtful people from you inner circle.  Surround yourself with people who see your beauty.  People that mirror the love and kindness that you so generously share.  The second step for me was therapy. Cognitive Behavior Therapy (CBT) is working wonders for me.  It teaches me to stop and think, the second I hear those awful words ringing in my ears.  I replace them with the loving things I have heard others tell me.  Then I replace even that with loving words I tell myself.  That right there is what matters more than anything.  The loving words I tell myself.  I make a list of the things I like about myself.  I remember that the things I do not like about myself are either changeable or they are things about me that make me unique. Unique is often ridiculed.  It shouldn’t be.  Unique is what keeps this world from being mundane.  Unique is what adds character.  Think about it.  When you walk into someone’s home and see a standard, cookie cutter room.  You generally think, what a lovely home. But when you walk in and there are pieces of furniture you have never seen before, or artwork that is new to you, it is an instant conversation piece.  That is because it is unique. We need to learn to embrace our unique qualities.  Stay away from those who ridicule those precious parts of us.  Those people, most likely, do not like the unique parts of themselves and are projecting that self loathing onto you.  Pray for them, send them positive vibes, but keep them at a distance.  That kind of negativity can wear you down, get into your mind and poison you, as well.  The things we surround ourselves with are the things we become.

It’s like a person who is drowning.  It takes a life guard, equipped with a life preserver to save them.  If someone who isn’t a professional swimmer attempts to save them, the person going under will pull them down, too.  They won’t mean to, but in their panic for survival, they will cause you to go down with them.  It is much like that in life.  It takes a professional to help a hurting person get better.  And only that hurting person can decide if they want that help.  Sticking around and trying to guide them to help, will only make them angry and get you hurt.  Pray for them, send them positive vibes, but keep them at a distance.

Now that I have explained how best to feed your self love, and what to avoid, let’s go back to the original thought here.  Learning to appreciate someone else’s beauty without questioning your own.  I have been doing better about that.  I used to cringe every time I saw someone young and thin.  I wanted to cower in a corner to hide my old fatass.  I didn’t want them to see me.  I was afraid they were internally criticizing me and laughing at me. Perhaps even judging me.  I am getting better.  Now when I see them, my first thought is, her skin is so young and smooth.  She is beautiful.  I just admire those people as works of art.  I do not go into an art gallery and see a beautiful painting and get angry because I cannot paint that well.  I do not listen to singers that give me goosebumps and feel angry because I cannot carry a tune in a bucket.  I look at the painting or hear the song and I feel something special.  I am filled with appreciation for what I am experiencing.  I am seeing people in that same light now.  I hear a voice that is sultry and sexy and just love listening to it.  I see eyes that look like crystal blue pools and I just love looking at them.  I see youth and watch the how carefree they are and I am glad they are getting to experience that time in their lives, because it changes as the responsibilities begin.

I will end this piece with something that I experienced at work recently.  It reaffirmed that we need to appreciate the beauty in others, not question our own.  A young woman, early twenties was in my line, her toddler in the seat of the shopping cart.  The woman was beautiful.  Her brown hair in a short pixie cut, big brown eyes and she was thin.  I wondered what her secret was to staying thin after having a child.  Maybe she works out, I thought.  I couldn’t take my eyes off her.  She was captivating.  But she was also nervous. She dropped her purse, then a few of the items she was putting on the belt.  She kept apologizing for everything she did.  She apologized to the lady behind her for taking so long.  She apologized to me as she dropped her money again, handing it to me.  I gently asked her if she was okay.  She stopped and looked me in the eyes and said, “No.  I have to have an emergency hysterectomy and I am scared.”  I said, “It will be okay.  I had one at twenty-five.”  Then her eyes filled with tears and she said, “And I just found out I have cancer.  That’s why they need to do the hysterectomy.”  She turned and kissed her toddler on the head, tears streaming down her face.  I told her I was so sorry and that I would be praying for her.  She thanked me and left with her items and her child.  My heart hurt so badly for her.  I realized how ridiculous it was for me to wonder how she looked the way she did.  I should have done nothing more than appreciate her beauty.  I will remember that from now on.  It doesn’t matter how a person has the qualities we admire.  All that matters is that we admire them without questioning them or our own.

So that is what I am going to do from now on.  Learn to appreciate someone else’s beauty, without questioning my own.

Thank you for reading.  X

 

Oh, where to begin.  Starting over is never easy.  The last time I started over it was exciting.  I had a plan.  Well, sort of had a plan.  More like, I had a man.  I have always had a man there to take care of me in some way.  I lived on my own when I was a teenager.  I moved in with my best friend three weeks after graduating high school.  She and I had been besties for 6 years.  It was exciting and new, but within a year I had struck out on my own.  I lived in a small condo that was on the border of foreclosure.  I rented from a nice man and his wife for a year.  I didn’t make much money and nearly starved to death.  My average weight is 125.  I met a nice man at work.  He was 15 years my senior.  My weight was down to 104 pounds.  He fed me and I married him.  I knew from the start that we married for the wrong reasons.  I moved into his home, when to his church, learned to like many of the things that he liked.  I conformed to his way of life.  By the end of the relationship I found myself going from being a sheltered housewife to a bounty hunter, then a makeup artist at a department store.  Two children and nearly twenty years later we divorced.  I ended up in another long term relationship.  I moved from Texas to Delaware to be with him.  I ended up on welfare until the state offered me a career opportunity.  I did the schooling and became a Certified Nurses Assistant.  I worked in home health and took care of mostly elderly patients.  Many of them over 90.  After a few years they would pass on and I would be devastated.  I stayed in that relationship for 5 years.  He was a quadriplegic.  That was why I chose to become a CNA.  I conformed to his way of life.  It ended and I wanted to move to Maine.  My dream was to live in a little house by a lighthouse and write.  Maybe work as a barmaid.  But my kids were grown and renting a house in Texas.  My daughter and her husband, my son and his then fiance’ (now wife). They had an extra bedroom and asked me to live with them while I got on my feet.  So I did.  Maine could wait for a while.  I missed my kids.  It was the most amazing year, living with the four of them.  I got to know my son in law and daughter in law.  I love them.  In fact, she is one of my closest friends now. We talk about everything.   Within a month of moving in with them and anxious to heal and figure out who I was and what I wanted, I fell right into my next relationship.  I wasn’t ready for a relationship but I didn’t know that at the time.

We would do the long distance thing for a year and then I moved to California to be with him.  I moved into his apartment, learned the ropes of travel, learned the art of public speaking.  I conformed to his way of life.  Are you seeing a pattern here?  This relationship ended, too.  I am still broken over this one.  I am still in love with him and he is still in love with me, but we both know we did the right thing.  Personal reasons that I will not go into.

So here I am.  But this time, my mind is different.  I was in cognitive behavior therapy for the last year.  The state of California offered to help me after my suicide attempt.  They offered me free therapy if I was willing to become a case study.  I agreed.  It made a huge difference in me.  I am starting the workbook over.  The last time I worked through it, I did it all from the perspective of one trying to save a relationship.  Now I am doing it from the correct perspective.  I am doing it so I can heal.  So I can be stronger, more in touch with that little voice that tells me when something is wrong.  I can look back on my life and see that in almost every heartbreaking or devastating situation I found myself in, I heard that little voice first.  I would argue with it and try to reason away my concerns.  I don’t do that anymore.  I listen now.  I seek out that little voice now through prayer.  This is not a get out of jail free card for the ones who have chosen to hurt me.  It is simply me taking responsibility for my own poor decisions.

I admit, I am scared.  I haven’t been ‘on my own’ since I was nineteen years old.  And really, this is the first time I have been 100% single since I was a teen.  Not someone hurting over a recently ended relationship and falling into new one immediately.  I am not open to being taken advantage of due to my vulnerability.  I am vulnerable, my emotions are raw, my mind still goes in and out of feeling independent to feeling like a scared little mouse in a the middle of a herd of elephants and looking for a safe place.  Then I remember, I have one of the strongest support systems one could ask for.  I have a hundred arms ready to give me a much needed hug.  I am at a place in my life that I have never experienced before.  And I am eternally grateful for the friendships that have stayed intact since my last break up.  He introduced me to a world of people that welcome the hurting, the lonely and the scared.  They not only welcome you, but once they take you in, they never let you go.  I have blessings that have remained from all the difficult situations that I have somehow put myself in.  Something good has always come from any of the bad in my life.  And I am so very grateful.

So here I am.  I have gone from a life of luxury and travel to one of very low pay, lots of hard work cashiering and time to focus on me and heal.  I paid all my bills this month and had money for food.  My son and his wife have taken me in until I can get on my feet.  I wake up to people who love me and encourage me every single day.  I get hugs and I love you’s.  I have a place to work, with people I consider friends.  I feel loved every where I go. I have an online community who supports me.  And most of all, I have me.  I am learning to love me and believe in me.  I am taking it one day at a time.  Some days I fail, some days I cry and some days I smile.  And other days, like today, I do it all.

Thank you for taking the time to read.  I love you all.  x

Hello everyone.  My blog is a bit late this week, as I have been preoccupied with my new love interest and with writing my novel.

So first things first.  This has been a whirlwind of a week and I have been so happy sleep has eluded me.  I lay there in my bed and my mind spins around recalling the scenes I have written, people I have spoken with and the words my love shared with me.  My heart is just so full right now.  Friends, family and love.  What more do you need?  Well, food…and I keep forgetting to eat.  But I still love all of this.

I start my new job at Dollar Tree on Wednesday, that will pay my bills until my book is out.  I was approached by a fellow author, asking if he could possibly use one of my pictures for the cover of his book.  He may use it and he may not, but either way it was an honor that he even considered me.  I also found out this week that I have an editor.  Another fellow author and dear friend arranged that for me.  Facebook has been such a wonderful blessing.  The fantastic people I have met there have truly enriched my life and continue to do so.  I only hope I can return that for them somehow.

I went to a birthday party for my son in laws aunt and had a fabulous time there.  Good people, good food and white wine.  I am an introvert and at one point I wondered off onto the back porch and visited with people.  I even pulled a chair up and sat among them…not off to the side somewhere.  My daughter went looking for me and she came out and found me.  She said, “Well, look at you.  Socializing.  I’m so proud of you!”  lol  Then later I was sitting on the couch and the sweetest girl in the world sat on my lap and kissed me.  That’s what happens when you go to a party and drink too much.  I will post a pic.  😉

Then before we left, my son in law’s grandmother (a feisty fiery woman that I just adore) says to me, “I know a book you should write.  You should write a mystery called ‘where the hell did my right breast go?'”  Then she lifted up her shirt and showed me her mastectomy scar.  That woman is one proud survivor!  Gotta admire that!  Anyway, it was a wonderful visit like something out of a movie.  Wood floors, country music, dancing, smoking, drinking, laughing, hugging, eating and just all around a loving wonderful bunch.

And lastly, last night was crazy.  I moved away from a place where violence abounded.  gunshots, fires and stabbings in the apartment complex.  It never seemed too bad though.  I was used to it I suppose.  But now I live in another state in a nice neighborhood.  So there should not be such things.  Well, there was a whole group of teens screaming and such in the middle of the night, so we went to the window to see what was happening.  My son in law went out there to ask and I’ll be damned if a gun didn’t go off.  sigh  This stuff just follows me around.  It’s crazy.  So I will do my best to stay out of your neighborhood.  Because I’m nice that way, of course my current neighbors may argue that.

Well, that seems enough excitement for one week.  Now wish me luck on finishing the book, starting the new job and sleep.  And wish my new love luck…he’s gonna have his hands full with me.

Thank you for reading and have a great week. x

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As you all know, the last two weeks have been very trying with this house filled to the brim with sickness.  The only sounds, for days, were coughs and vomiting.  But things are back to normal now and I am so grateful.

This week has been slow as we were all gaining our strength back.  I did go out and get applications for employment from a dozen places or so.  Some were hiring, some were not, but all say you can fill out an application and they will put them on file.  Who knows if they really do, but I will give it a go.  Really, I want to be a cashier.  No quotas, no pressure sales, no keeping up with food orders, just cashiering.  I need a part time job so I can keep writing my novel.

Speaking of my novel.  I am almost to the halfway mark.  And I put off a scene for the last few days, due to the nature of the scene.  The first day I tried to write it, I ended up putting finding a thousand other things that needed doing.  You see, I bought the coolest fold up table and chair set from Spiderlegs.com and I will post a picture of them folded and one of them opened up.  Anyway, The word procrastinate has a ‘pro’ at the beginning for a reason. Seems I am one when it comes to procrastination. So, a couple hours ago I sat at my new table with my new chair to start writing. As I sat there I noticed the carpet could sure use some vacuuming, so I got up and started to put stuff from the floor to the bed. But then I thought, “I was sick for the last couple weeks, I really should wash my bedding.” So I stripped my bed and put it in the washer. While in the utility room I thought, “I should probably go ahead and wash my clothes while I am at it.” So I came back in the bedroom and into the closet to get the hamper. I took it to the utility room but came back to clean up the closet. I had packages in there I still need to mail for Christmas and they needed to be wrapped. So I wrapped them. And yes, I still need to mail them…again…PROcrastinator. Well after all that, I finally put stuff on the bed and vacuumed. After the floor looked so nice, I noticed the furniture needed dusting. So I dusted it and then I thought, “I need to take pictures of the table and chair, but I need to fold them first and take a pic like that.” But I couldn’t figure out how to do it. So I had to look for the directions. I found them and got it all folded and took pics and put them back together and took more pics and then I got my room put back together. Now I am plum wore out so I am resting and telling you all why I haven’t written yet. It’s because I am a pro.  So, last night I decided the scene must be done, no matter how painful.  One of my favorite child characters had to die.  It was the hardest scene I have written yet.  I cried so hard, I had trouble seeing the screen to finish.  I also listen to classical music when I write and to top off the moment, My Heart Will Go On came on Pandora and played throughout the whole end of the scene.  I was a blubbering mess who had to go get a hug from my daughter.  I was so glad she was still up.

Now as far as things getting back to normal.  I decided I needed to make some gluten free pancakes at 11:30pm.  So I was in the kitchen cooking when the kids wandered in, one by one.  At one point, my son was trying to show us all something on his phone and my son in law came in with pigtails in his hair.  He ended up chasing my son’s fiance around the island, them bumping me as I cooked and my daughter was singing How Much Is That Doggy in the Window to her dog, Cyanide.  It made me smile to see things were back to normal in our home.  I love these kids with all my heart.

And things are progressing nicely with my new friend.  He is a gem and makes me curious to see where things will go.

Okay, that’s enough for now.  Thank you for reading and have a great week.  x

Don’t forget to check out my son’s fiance’s blog.

http://theotherdaughterofshe.wordpress.com/2014/01/17/a-bad-nanny-with-a-bad-haircut/

And my daughter’s blog.

http://victoryasite.wordpress.com/2014/01/17/i-am-the-queen-of-the-world-and-my-secret-to-success-is/

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Blogging is new for me.  I have been doing it for a little while and I have watched it morph into this and that until now.  I believe this is what my blog is meant to be.  My daughter and I are trying something new and different.  We are going to each blog about our week from each of our viewpoints.  My viewpoint is that of a parent having to move in with their children and be quite dependent on them for a while.  Her viewpoint will be from an adult child taking in their parent.  I will post a link to her blog at the bottom of mine each week, so you all can go read what the way she sees things, too.  She will start blogging next Friday.

My life has changed dramatically in the last month.  I don’t really want to talk about everything, just some things.  I have given up my independence for a while.  I had moved away from my children five years ago, from Texas to Delaware.  After hardships, misunderstandings, hurtful situations and an aching for my children, I have moved back.  The world I left is very different than the world I have reentered.   I kept in constant contact with my children while I was away, with goodnight/I love you texts each evening and phone calls and plane tickets.  But it was not the same as being able to hug them and see them.  They are now 23 and 21 years old.  My daughter has been married for five years, she got married just before I moved.  My son is now engaged.  I love their choices of mates and get along with them very well.  The mates both write and draw, too.  The four of them rent a three bedroom house together and have blessed me with the third bedroom.  I have been here just over a week.  It felt strange when I first moved in.  I didn’t know where things were and felt a bit disoriented.  But I quickly converted my room into an extension of me.  My dog is already adjusted and has a new friend in my granddogter, Cy.  It rather reminds me of the tv show New Girl.  Especially when it comes to ‘bubbles’.  I am an introvert and have my ‘bubble’ around me.  These kids do not have ‘bubbles’ nor do they see a reason for anyone else to have them.  I went to the bathroom to brush my teeth and started to close the door.  My son walked up and said, “What?  We can’t see you brush your teeth?”  Now my daughter has been known to come into the bathroom and take pictures of me brushing my teeth.  But I wanted to fit in, so I left the door open.  Next thing I knew, my son and son in law were both in the bathroom behind me, talking and cutting up and I almost lost my toothpaste trying not to laugh at them.  That was very much a New Girl moment.  Always something crazy and fun going on here.  We are all artist and impulsive.  I will have to post some pics of the fun things I have experienced already.   I was awake at 1am at one point.  We are all night owls.  I went to the kitchen to get a glass of water and my son in law walks up to me in a top hat and says, “So, in regards to the railroads…”  I laughed and said, “So it’s 1880 and you are looking to build a railroad?”  He smiled.  Then my daughter walks in and says, “I don’t like your stupid beard, mustache or that obnoxious top hat.  Take it off and go shave.”  He said, “Nope…again…”  Then she proceeded to put on an eye patch and said, “Argggggg”.  I said, “Really?  You yell at him about the hat but you can wear an eye patch?”  She said, “Yup.  If he can look stupid, so can I.”  Then he took the eye patch off her and put it on himself.  I said I needed a pic of the pirate who wants to buy a railroad.  My daughter got out her phone to take one and he said, “Wait!”  He ran out of the room and then reemerged with  a weird pipe added to his appearance.  I laughed so hard.  It is like this all the time.  Here is a picture of him.  Another day I went to let the dog out and my son was playing a video game.  I looked at the big screen tv and see a man running through a city with a pig mask, wearing only boxers and carrying a big gun.  I just shook my head.  Another time, my daughter and son’s fiance’ came in my room to do the chicken dance all over my room and then they left.  one night my daughter and son in law were in the kitchen and she was laying on the floor using her labrador as a pillow.  I had to take pic but the dogs eyes glowed in it.  So I tried to take another and the dog tried to run.  My son in law grabbed her before she could go and tried to make her kiss my daughter.  That is the cutest picture.  And I think a couple of my favorite moments were separate but wonderful.  My son’s fiance’ came in and laid on my bed, with the book she is working on.  She asked my advice on a scene.  Her story is moving and forces the reader to take their mind to difficult places.  Another time was when my son in law came in and had me read the first chapter of his short story.  It is phenomenal and I hope he makes it a longer story.  I don’t read sci fi but the story really captured my imagination.

I do believe this is a positive environment for me.  I just hope I can add to the wonderment that abounds so freely here.

Thank you for reading and have a great week.  x

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