Archive for the ‘positivity’ Category

Nothing’s always perfect,

Nothing’s always right,

But know that I am in this,

For us, I’ll always fight.

 

When the words just won’t form,

And frustration takes its toll,

When I see you struggle,

Patience is my goal.

 

That doesn’t always happen,

I don’t always do right.

Just know that I am in this,

For us, I’ll always fight.

 

On days that one is battling

The demons they cannot hide,

The other finds the strength,

To fight them by their side.

 

When the storms roll in,

And the waves attack our boat,

We have to work together,

So we can stay afloat.

 

The waters begin to calm

And the sun begins to shine.

Peace always returns

Every single time.

 

Nothing’s always perfect,

Nothing’s always right,

We know that we are in this.

For us, we’ll always fight.

 

 

 

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I want to start this post by saying, you may or may not agree with me.  Either way is fine.  What I write is simply my opinion.  And as life alters and my path changes, oftentimes my opinions change, as well.  But for today, THIS is my opinion on this subject.

Many times in my life I have been afraid.  Afraid of being alone, afraid of being attacked in a parking lot at night, afraid of being homeless, afraid of starving, afraid of saying something stupid, afraid of public speaking, afraid to drive, afraid of passing out in public due to a panic attack, afraid of the dark, afraid of failing in any endeavor, afraid I wasn’t smart enough to write a novel, afraid I wasn’t smart enough to learn how to do a new job.

Every one of those fears pushed me in the right direction.  Every one of those fears created strengths.  I overcame every one of those fears.

The thing is, I had to choose to overcome them.  I didn’t choose to overcome them immediately.  They all took time.  Time to embrace the fear, let out the tears, and find my footing.  Fear will lead you in the right direction if you let it.

Think about all the things you have overcome in your life.  Think about all the things you wanted to do but you were afraid to do…but you did them anyway.  That first day of school, first day of work, first dance, first kiss, first I love you, first joke you told in front of people, first time at bat, first time on a ski slope, first book you wrote, first picture you painted or drew, and the first time you actually showed your talents to another person.  You were afraid, but you did it anyway and found out, it wasn’t so bad.  Or maybe it was even fun!  Or maybe you found out you didn’t really care for it.  Either way, you did it.  You overcame your fears and allowed yourself to experience something new.

Fear isn’t always a bad thing.  It CAN be a bad thing.  But most of the time, I believe you can use it to your advantage.  You can turn that fear into a strength.  Learn to control your fears, don’t let them control you.

Thank you for reading.  X

his world

I posted a meme recently that seemed to ruffle some feathers.   It is interesting how one person can see something as beautiful and yet another sees it as sad.  There is nothing wrong with different perspectives.  Everyone is entitled to their own.  And depending on life experiences, age and time frames, the perspectives can vary to a large degree.

I am attaching the meme I speak of.  When I posted it, I didn’t add a message as to my point of view.  I honestly didn’t think it was necessary.  That was rather presumptuous of me and wrong.  I am not sure of the other opinions involved.  It seems that some think of the meme as sad.  Perhaps they view it as a man offering a woman everything and her saying no thank, because she already has everything that he offers.  I’m not really sure.

But when I read this meme, it spoke to my heart.  It was one of the most beautiful things I had seen in a while.  To me, it was a man offering a woman his world.  He was offering her everything he had.  She lovingly let him know he didn’t need to do that.  She already had those things, plus some things that were different than his world.  She took a weight off his shoulders and let him know she doesn’t mind visiting his world, but she needed to live in her own.  That also meant she didn’t expect him to live in her world, but just to visit it and continue living in his own.

A partnership.  A mutual respect.  And no enormous expectations.

I have always enmeshed myself into the world of whatever man offered me his own.  I would adapt and learn to fit into whatever world that might be.  In the end, I would lose myself and become sad.  And more often than not, the one who offered me his world would suddenly feel I owed him for what he gave me.  He would see it as a lack of respect if I complained of missing my own.  It would become leverage in heated situations.

Nothing good came from that for me.  There ended up being resentment, frustration, sadness, loneliness, anger and strife just to mention a few.

So when I saw this meme, I saw a situation where it was acceptable for her to say that she had her own world.  I saw a mutual respect and a situation where he could sigh a breath of relief.  He offered her everything he had, but saw that he didn’t need to do that.  All he needed to do was to be himself.  Be willing to visit her world from time to time and enjoy her presence in his world from time to time.  They could be together in a new place that they created.  Something different than his world and her world.  Something they built as a team, as a couple, and as friends.

I love this meme.  I love what it says to me.  I see a beautiful future one day, very different than any past I have known.

Feel free to leave a message and tell what the meme says to you.  There are no wrong answers.  Only varying perspectives and all will be respected.

Thank you for reading.  X

I have always loved my birthday.  I don’t have any family members that share my special day.  It just meant so much to me that people were excited about the day I entered this world.

But now it is a very different reason.  You see, on December 22nd, 2015, I attempted suicide by swallowing a bunch of pills.  The police came and took me to a psych ward for observation.  After spending a bit of time there, I sought help with a therapist.  And now I no longer have those dark thoughts.  I have hopeful thoughts.  Positive thoughts.  And I am eternally grateful that I failed to end my life when I tried.  Grateful that I am here. Grateful for every single birthday I am blessed with, purely because I love being alive.

It’s why I take pictures of everything that I find fascinating or funny or beautiful and share them on social media.  I want to share my appreciation for life with the world.  I love listening to the train as it passes by in the night.  I love beautiful cloudy days and gorgeous sunny ones.  I love the smell of the rain and the sound it makes outside the window or on my umbrella.  I love the feel of the warm rain on my skin.  I love witty people that laugh at their own jokes even harder than the rest of us.  I love to hear people laugh.  I love the sound of dozens of voices talking when I enter a crowded place, especially places where there are family functions going on.  I love hugs.  I love kindness.  I love the roar of the ocean waves meeting the rocks and sand.  I love sunsets and sunrises. I love that first sip of coffee with my favorite creamer, in the morning.  I love the comfort of my bed at the end of a long day.  I love to dance to music, in the kitchen, when preparing food or doing dishes.  I love the hum of the fan when I fall asleep in the dark.  I love my fuzzy Star Wars pajama pants and oversized Harley Davidson sweatshirt.  I love going barefoot.  I love having hope that things will turn out okay.  I love having faith that God is in control.  I love when I see his signs so clearly leaving no room for doubt.  I love peace.  I love solitude.  I love going to the movies and out for dinner.  I love doing things on my own, feeling independent.  I also love having help from people who never make me feel indebted to them.  I love helping others.  I love doing speaking engagements.  I love impacting others lives in a positive way.  I love the castle ruins in Ireland, the sunsets at Santa Monica beach, the history in Delaware, the skies over Texas and all the people I have been blessed to meet in-between. And I love writing.  Telling the stories I watch in my mind as movies.  I love sharing those stories with others.  The love of my family and friends.  The ones who have been here for me in the darkest of times.  I love cuddles from my little dog.  And more than anything, I love my children.  To realize all the years of their hugs, hearing their laughter, being there for them through tears…that were almost gone. It makes me love life all the more.

I am here.  I am alive.  I have learned to love myself.  I have purpose.  And I am loved.

This is why my birthday is so very important to me.  Yes, every day is important to me, but I wasn’t born every day.  I was born March 15th.  That is my day to celebrate me and the life I have been blessed with.

Thank you for reading.  X

Oh, where to begin.  Starting over is never easy.  The last time I started over it was exciting.  I had a plan.  Well, sort of had a plan.  More like, I had a man.  I have always had a man there to take care of me in some way.  I lived on my own when I was a teenager.  I moved in with my best friend three weeks after graduating high school.  She and I had been besties for 6 years.  It was exciting and new, but within a year I had struck out on my own.  I lived in a small condo that was on the border of foreclosure.  I rented from a nice man and his wife for a year.  I didn’t make much money and nearly starved to death.  My average weight is 125.  I met a nice man at work.  He was 15 years my senior.  My weight was down to 104 pounds.  He fed me and I married him.  I knew from the start that we married for the wrong reasons.  I moved into his home, when to his church, learned to like many of the things that he liked.  I conformed to his way of life.  By the end of the relationship I found myself going from being a sheltered housewife to a bounty hunter, then a makeup artist at a department store.  Two children and nearly twenty years later we divorced.  I ended up in another long term relationship.  I moved from Texas to Delaware to be with him.  I ended up on welfare until the state offered me a career opportunity.  I did the schooling and became a Certified Nurses Assistant.  I worked in home health and took care of mostly elderly patients.  Many of them over 90.  After a few years they would pass on and I would be devastated.  I stayed in that relationship for 5 years.  He was a quadriplegic.  That was why I chose to become a CNA.  I conformed to his way of life.  It ended and I wanted to move to Maine.  My dream was to live in a little house by a lighthouse and write.  Maybe work as a barmaid.  But my kids were grown and renting a house in Texas.  My daughter and her husband, my son and his then fiance’ (now wife). They had an extra bedroom and asked me to live with them while I got on my feet.  So I did.  Maine could wait for a while.  I missed my kids.  It was the most amazing year, living with the four of them.  I got to know my son in law and daughter in law.  I love them.  In fact, she is one of my closest friends now. We talk about everything.   Within a month of moving in with them and anxious to heal and figure out who I was and what I wanted, I fell right into my next relationship.  I wasn’t ready for a relationship but I didn’t know that at the time.

We would do the long distance thing for a year and then I moved to California to be with him.  I moved into his apartment, learned the ropes of travel, learned the art of public speaking.  I conformed to his way of life.  Are you seeing a pattern here?  This relationship ended, too.  I am still broken over this one.  I am still in love with him and he is still in love with me, but we both know we did the right thing.  Personal reasons that I will not go into.

So here I am.  But this time, my mind is different.  I was in cognitive behavior therapy for the last year.  The state of California offered to help me after my suicide attempt.  They offered me free therapy if I was willing to become a case study.  I agreed.  It made a huge difference in me.  I am starting the workbook over.  The last time I worked through it, I did it all from the perspective of one trying to save a relationship.  Now I am doing it from the correct perspective.  I am doing it so I can heal.  So I can be stronger, more in touch with that little voice that tells me when something is wrong.  I can look back on my life and see that in almost every heartbreaking or devastating situation I found myself in, I heard that little voice first.  I would argue with it and try to reason away my concerns.  I don’t do that anymore.  I listen now.  I seek out that little voice now through prayer.  This is not a get out of jail free card for the ones who have chosen to hurt me.  It is simply me taking responsibility for my own poor decisions.

I admit, I am scared.  I haven’t been ‘on my own’ since I was nineteen years old.  And really, this is the first time I have been 100% single since I was a teen.  Not someone hurting over a recently ended relationship and falling into new one immediately.  I am not open to being taken advantage of due to my vulnerability.  I am vulnerable, my emotions are raw, my mind still goes in and out of feeling independent to feeling like a scared little mouse in a the middle of a herd of elephants and looking for a safe place.  Then I remember, I have one of the strongest support systems one could ask for.  I have a hundred arms ready to give me a much needed hug.  I am at a place in my life that I have never experienced before.  And I am eternally grateful for the friendships that have stayed intact since my last break up.  He introduced me to a world of people that welcome the hurting, the lonely and the scared.  They not only welcome you, but once they take you in, they never let you go.  I have blessings that have remained from all the difficult situations that I have somehow put myself in.  Something good has always come from any of the bad in my life.  And I am so very grateful.

So here I am.  I have gone from a life of luxury and travel to one of very low pay, lots of hard work cashiering and time to focus on me and heal.  I paid all my bills this month and had money for food.  My son and his wife have taken me in until I can get on my feet.  I wake up to people who love me and encourage me every single day.  I get hugs and I love you’s.  I have a place to work, with people I consider friends.  I feel loved every where I go. I have an online community who supports me.  And most of all, I have me.  I am learning to love me and believe in me.  I am taking it one day at a time.  Some days I fail, some days I cry and some days I smile.  And other days, like today, I do it all.

Thank you for taking the time to read.  I love you all.  x

The excitement this week has been sporadic.  The kids are busy with school and work, so they are in and out quite a bit.  And now we add Christmas into the mix, so busy, busy, busy.  Emotions running high and low this time of year.  I have gotten to have some wonderful conversations with each of them.  I heard about school projects (even asking my input.  That always feels good), about upcoming dance recitals (she is a trooper, even with all the pain, she still opted for a dance class), incredible new book ideas (the new one the son in law has cooked up will be a best seller one day), input on books in the works (the sons fiance is a very talented writer in her own right).  The kids are amazing adults and I am so honored to be living here with them.  Okay, so for excitement this week…

First, I decided to walk to the library this week and put in an application for volunteering, in hopes of a job later.  So I walked the 1.5 miles there.  It was an interesting walk.  I saw horses in pastures, beautiful homes with lovely holiday decorations, and a truck passed by with a trailer on the back.  There was a horse in it that whinnied and me as it sped by.  At the library, none of the people I needed to speak with were in that day.  So, I opted to go look at books on the Cromwellian Conquest of Ireland.  I needed some more information for my book.  It turns out, those books are hard to find and had none of the information I needed.  So, I headed back home.  On the way home, I suddenly remembered I have fibromyalgia.  It doesn’t flare up very often, so I tend to forget I even have it.  But it sure flared up on the way home.  The only way I can describe the pain I felt that day would be, someone placing flathead screwdrivers in between the ball of my hip and the socket and trying to pry them apart.  I just kept placing one foot in front of the other until I made it home.  I would later accompany my daughter to the store and make dinner while the girls got all the decorations out of the attic.  They spent hours making our home beautifully festive.  We even have snowman placemats on the table with snowman bowls and a wreath and snowman napkin holder with festive napkins inside.  They even took the pot holders, hanging on the front of the oven off and replaced them with Christmas ones.  I do find it disturbing though that Santa’s face is the cover for the lid of the toilet.  Something all kinds of wrong with accidentally sitting if the lid is down.  Seriously,  sitting on Santa’s face…I suppose that would be one way to get something nice for Christmas…well or naughty… When I left the kitchen and headed to bed, I had to make my way through the kids as they sang that song from The Grinch Who Stole Christmas…Fah who for-aze! Dah who dor-aze!  My son in laws head on my son’s shoulder, and the girls holding hands and dancing as they sang.

One morning, I got up and my son’s fiance was in her living room with her laptop.  I sat down and visited with her for a while.  Then, my daughter came home from dance class and walked into the living room clad in her yoga pants and tshirt and announced to my son’s fiance…

“It’s your favorite time of day!”

Fiance shook her head and put her hand over her eyes.

I didn’t know what was going on but I was watching.  You just never know with this group.

Then my daughter says, “It’s striptease time.”

She starts dancing like a stripper and takes off her yoga pants and tosses em, then her tshirt and tosses it.

Fiance says in a very sarcastic voice, “Oh, yay.  It’s a 12 year old boy.”

Daughter starts doing “sexy” poses and says, “You can see my tats through my tights.  I love that!  I’m so sexy!”

Fiance says, “Yes, we all know you think you’re sexy.”

Daughter says, “THINK?!  I KNOW I’m sexy!”

The fiance and I just laughed and shook our heads.

Another day, I walked down the hall to get some water in the kitchen.  The girls were talking about sex shops.  The fiance’s sister is getting married and the bachelorette party is this weekend, so I assume that is where this conversation started.  But again, there are no boundaries or comfort zones in this house and I actually like it this way.  They were talking about how uncomfortable some of the workers in sex shops can make you feel.  My daughter was explaining how one worker came up to her and showed her a cock ring and said, “It goes on your lovers cock and it vibrates.”  Then she changed her tone as if the memories of use were flooding her mind and in a lower, way too pleasurable tone she said, “I love this thing.  It feels soooooooo goooooooood.”  Both of the girls laughed so hard after my daughter finished telling the story and showing us how the lady spoke.  Then the fiance was talking about the sex swing she saw in there and how the video was playing to show how to use it and she was a bit uncomfortable.  I think it is interesting how there are no comfort zones in the house, but out in public, we are more reserved and definitely have our personal space.  They also talked about seeing naked pics of Kate Moss.  They said they were very tasteful and the ‘important’ areas were covered.  They talked about how beautiful she is and how women’s bodies are so much prettier than men’s, especially in photography (my daughter is a photographer) and in art (the fiance, son in law draw.  I do, too).  But they said they got to the last pic and as they scrolled down, they were like, she is so pretty, but then, much to their surprise, there she was…no more tasteful hiding.  And they both shrieked….WHAT?!  About that time, my son walked through the room and asked what on earth they were doing and looked at the screen on their laptop.  They yelled, “Don’t look!”  and tried to cover the screen.  He just shook his head and laughed at them.  Goofy girls.

Then later I was in my room and the boys wandered in.  First, my son in law was talking to me.  After a while, they were talking to each other and that conversation was so different than anything the girls talk about.  I cannot even tell you what they were discussing but I did jot down some keywords to share on here.  They are crazy intelligent young men and the words are as follows:  fiber optics, satellites, japan, speed of light, gb and mb.  time frames, and streaming.  After a while they noticed I was typing, so I explained it was for the blog.  I think sometimes they aren’t sure what to say when they can see I am baffled by their subject matter.

At the same time, I have walked through one of the living rooms and seen something odd happening.  They each were in their own living room with their own big screen TV’s and playing a game together.  I looked at my son’s TV and saw a man in boxer shorts wearing a pig mask and carrying a gun, running through a city.  I looked at him, like ‘what on earth?’ and he looked at me like…’what?’…  I just laughed and left them to their game.

And sometimes they just shake their heads at me.  My son in law is learning to speak Russian.  He said something to me about a cigarette and motioned for the door.  I said, “Oh, are you going to go do a cigarette?”  He smiled and asked, “How does one ‘DO’ a cigarette?”  I thought for a minute and said, “Smoke it?”  He just laughed and left.  Now when he goes out to smoke he announces that he is going to go ‘do’ a cigarette.  I just laugh.

At the end of the week, we all had big plans.  Thursday was the concert the fiance and son in law were to attend.  She bought him tickets for Christmas, two months ago.  An ice storm hit, though and they were afraid they would miss the show.  They braved the storm and had an incredible experience.  They both got to shake hands with Chester Bennington.  She posted some pictures and they made it home in one piece.  My daughter braved the storm because she wanted to go out to eat and stop by the store for some cookie dough.  She picked up her friend and had a nice time.  My son stayed home and worked on his school project.  It was quite brilliant.  How I produced such a smarty is beyond me.

The storm worsened throughout the night and I awoke to clicking sounds coming from the attic.  I went up to see what it was.  Turns out the round spinny thingy on the roof is covered in ice and it is quite windy today, so it makes for a terrible sound.  School was cancelled, my son stayed home from work, as did his fiance and my daughter.  My son in law works walking distance from the house so he went on in and ended up covering for 2 other guys.  But he should be home by 5:30pm.  I was supposed to have dinner with my best friend tomorrow, but it looks like we may have to reschedule and my daughter’s dance recital is off now.  And it looks like the bachelorette party may not happen for the fiance’s sister.  So, changes of plans, but everyone is safe, happy and close enough for me to hug.

I do apologize for such a long blog, but I guess this week was packed with more excitement than I had realized, until I put it down on paper.  I do believe this is more than enough for one week.

Here is a link to my daughter’s blog.  It is this week, through her eyes.

 http://victoryasite.wordpress.com/2013/12/06/and-so-it-begins/

Thank you for reading and have a great week.  x

Blogging is new for me.  I have been doing it for a little while and I have watched it morph into this and that until now.  I believe this is what my blog is meant to be.  My daughter and I are trying something new and different.  We are going to each blog about our week from each of our viewpoints.  My viewpoint is that of a parent having to move in with their children and be quite dependent on them for a while.  Her viewpoint will be from an adult child taking in their parent.  I will post a link to her blog at the bottom of mine each week, so you all can go read what the way she sees things, too.  She will start blogging next Friday.

My life has changed dramatically in the last month.  I don’t really want to talk about everything, just some things.  I have given up my independence for a while.  I had moved away from my children five years ago, from Texas to Delaware.  After hardships, misunderstandings, hurtful situations and an aching for my children, I have moved back.  The world I left is very different than the world I have reentered.   I kept in constant contact with my children while I was away, with goodnight/I love you texts each evening and phone calls and plane tickets.  But it was not the same as being able to hug them and see them.  They are now 23 and 21 years old.  My daughter has been married for five years, she got married just before I moved.  My son is now engaged.  I love their choices of mates and get along with them very well.  The mates both write and draw, too.  The four of them rent a three bedroom house together and have blessed me with the third bedroom.  I have been here just over a week.  It felt strange when I first moved in.  I didn’t know where things were and felt a bit disoriented.  But I quickly converted my room into an extension of me.  My dog is already adjusted and has a new friend in my granddogter, Cy.  It rather reminds me of the tv show New Girl.  Especially when it comes to ‘bubbles’.  I am an introvert and have my ‘bubble’ around me.  These kids do not have ‘bubbles’ nor do they see a reason for anyone else to have them.  I went to the bathroom to brush my teeth and started to close the door.  My son walked up and said, “What?  We can’t see you brush your teeth?”  Now my daughter has been known to come into the bathroom and take pictures of me brushing my teeth.  But I wanted to fit in, so I left the door open.  Next thing I knew, my son and son in law were both in the bathroom behind me, talking and cutting up and I almost lost my toothpaste trying not to laugh at them.  That was very much a New Girl moment.  Always something crazy and fun going on here.  We are all artist and impulsive.  I will have to post some pics of the fun things I have experienced already.   I was awake at 1am at one point.  We are all night owls.  I went to the kitchen to get a glass of water and my son in law walks up to me in a top hat and says, “So, in regards to the railroads…”  I laughed and said, “So it’s 1880 and you are looking to build a railroad?”  He smiled.  Then my daughter walks in and says, “I don’t like your stupid beard, mustache or that obnoxious top hat.  Take it off and go shave.”  He said, “Nope…again…”  Then she proceeded to put on an eye patch and said, “Argggggg”.  I said, “Really?  You yell at him about the hat but you can wear an eye patch?”  She said, “Yup.  If he can look stupid, so can I.”  Then he took the eye patch off her and put it on himself.  I said I needed a pic of the pirate who wants to buy a railroad.  My daughter got out her phone to take one and he said, “Wait!”  He ran out of the room and then reemerged with  a weird pipe added to his appearance.  I laughed so hard.  It is like this all the time.  Here is a picture of him.  Another day I went to let the dog out and my son was playing a video game.  I looked at the big screen tv and see a man running through a city with a pig mask, wearing only boxers and carrying a big gun.  I just shook my head.  Another time, my daughter and son’s fiance’ came in my room to do the chicken dance all over my room and then they left.  one night my daughter and son in law were in the kitchen and she was laying on the floor using her labrador as a pillow.  I had to take pic but the dogs eyes glowed in it.  So I tried to take another and the dog tried to run.  My son in law grabbed her before she could go and tried to make her kiss my daughter.  That is the cutest picture.  And I think a couple of my favorite moments were separate but wonderful.  My son’s fiance’ came in and laid on my bed, with the book she is working on.  She asked my advice on a scene.  Her story is moving and forces the reader to take their mind to difficult places.  Another time was when my son in law came in and had me read the first chapter of his short story.  It is phenomenal and I hope he makes it a longer story.  I don’t read sci fi but the story really captured my imagination.

I do believe this is a positive environment for me.  I just hope I can add to the wonderment that abounds so freely here.

Thank you for reading and have a great week.  x

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